We got a dusting of snow last night in the city, where I had a co-op board meeting. I'm meeting with a Realtor today to discuss my options for selling my apartment. I'm terrified!
(I mean that in the general life sense, not in the immediate situational sense.)
Last night I had the most wonderful, peaceful time lying on my bed and thumbing through all my favorite songs on my iPod. Joni Mitchell, The Moody Blues, Angels and Airwaves. I thought about how life is motion, but at the same time I have to protect myself, my identity. Am I giving up too much? Am I moving forward or backward?
How can I bring my life together with Dave's? How can I do more to maintain myself, my interests, my preferences, while respecting and appreciating his? Will I ever have a career again? What could it possibly be?
There's a can of pepper in my kitchen cabinet that I bought in 1994 at Kash N' Karry, a now defunct (at least by that name) grocery store chain in Florida. On the back it says, "TIP: Combine with sugar and sprinkle over fresh strawberries or other fresh fruit -- tempting and delectable."
That just seems sad to me.
(Photo: RD, who aspires to tag every fire hydrant in Manhattan.)
Can you even imagine how much more terrifying this would be if Dave hadn't come into your life? At least he lends some stability to a scene where everything else is in motion. You'll feel a lot better as some decisions are made -- like selling your condo.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine pepper on strawberries... But I doubt it has much flavor after 16 years.
Where there's fear, there's power. Your words are full of power and potential, Steve. As for partnering, well, don't ask me how people do it, but they do it, they walk that tightrope between I and thou, they do it every day.
ReplyDeleteYou won't be lost or suffocated, I promise. You will flourish. Believe me.
Oh - throw out that can of pepper, please.
We resist change, what more can be said?
ReplyDeleteI think your fears of loss of identity in the midst of your multiple changes is totally to be expected! So much of our sense of self is supported and reflected by our living space, our geographical location, our job (or other way we pass the bulk of our days) or lack thereof, our intimate partner (or absence of)...Mirrors are everywhere, but they don't tell the whole story, the inside story.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you're feeling the terror that most artists occasionally feel when staring at a nearly blank canvas. Happy creating and choosing!
F.
I opened a box of soup the other day from trader joes, it looked a little odd so I checked and there on the side of the box was 'best if used by march 2007' - needless to say, soup was tossed and it was grilled cheese without the roasted tomato-pepper soup!
ReplyDeletereya's remark reminded me of some pema chodron I was reading earlier today....
best of luck with the real estate issues.
unsettling times steve - i know you'll manage to balance and keep it all together
ReplyDeletei did try a little black pepper on strawberries once, it worked much better than I'd have htought.
i don't think they really need it though.
don't burn that bridge and give up being a manhattan homeowner. keep the apt--you'll be SO SO VERY glad you did 5 yrs from now.
ReplyDelete