I woke up on the cranky side of the bed this morning, at about 3 a.m. I lay there thinking, first about my job, and then about our internet service provider and how they're going to sock me with a £30 fee if I don't return our router (more in a moment), and then about income taxes and financial planning and our continued need to get some kind of estate plans in place, and then about applying for UK citizenship. And then I realized that I left laundry in the machine overnight, so I had to get up and hang that on the drying rack, and then I unpacked the dishwasher and hand-washed the things that can't go in the dishwasher, and I just got crankier and crankier because it wasn't even daylight and WHY IS ALL OF THIS MY RESPONSIBILITY?!
It is 6 a.m., people, and I am already feeling put-upon.
I suppose most marriages have a division of labor -- one partner does some things while another partner does the others. In our case, Dave does the food. He buys the groceries and he cooks them, and that is not a small thing. He also has a job that requires more out-of-hours planning than mine, and a health condition that saps his energy, and ailing parents that need whatever assistance he can render from this distance. I understand all of that, and I try to be patient and understanding and appreciative.
But lately I have been feeling like things are at a critical mass -- particularly the big-picture stuff involving finances, taxes and life planning. That all falls squarely on me. Dave says he doesn't have a head for it, and I get that -- it's not a lot of fun (and a thousand times more complicated since my mother's death). It's also incredibly hard because it involves two countries, with two different legal and financial systems. It's not the kind of thing where I can call the lawyer down the street or go to "Wills R Us" online and have a will written. We need specialists, and I have run into roadblocks.
These are also questions that seem incredibly LARGE when it's 4 a.m. I'm sure once I move around a little more and the day gets going they will recede to their proper place in the background of my daily life. I just have to buckle down and deal with them. I have some referrals and I need to follow through.
The internet service provider situation is kind of ridiculous. I got a call the other day from BT (which used to be British Telecom), which has provided our internet service since we moved to this country in 2011. In fact we took over our old landlord's account, and letters from the company still come addressed to "Tong," which is hilarious because that wasn't even his correct name. Anyway, BT said they are switching all their residential customers over to a new spinoff company called EE, and would we make the switch? Now, I was at work, sitting at my desk and trying to deal with students while this person with an impenetrable Scottish accent was outlining the finer points of this change in my ear, and I admit I may not have grasped everything -- but I made sure that our rates wouldn't go up and our service wouldn't change. They assured me that was the case, and it all sounded relatively seamless, so I said fine.
Now they're demanding we return our BT router within 30 days or face a £30 fee, and yet EE has sent me no new equipment. How can I have Internet service with no router?! Honestly, the stupidity is mind-boggling, and I wish I'd never agreed to make the change. I have a second router that BT sent ages ago and I saved as a backup, so I think I'll send them that one and hopefully it will head off the fee while giving us time to get new equipment -- assuming we're even really supposed to get new equipment. I have no idea.
On the bright side (literally), this is the display I built yesterday at work. It was not my idea, and I usually dislike displays that focus on the aesthetics of books as opposed to the content, but having said that I think it turned out pretty well. I'm waiting for students to ask, "Who's Roy G. Biv?" There's a learning opportunity here.
I just looked out the window to see Olga rooting around in the flowerbed by the back door, which is fenced off to prevent that. I have no idea how she got over the fence but I had to go shoo her out of there before she trampled everything.
I hope this day improves.
(Top photo: Some new graffiti on Finchley Road, yesterday morning.)
BT callers are usually Geordies and difficult to understand when they talk quickly. BT took over EE a few years back. The equipment return business is to save the planet. It usually resolves itself in about 6 months. I did same as you and returned old router and a month later received a text thanking me.
ReplyDeleteStunning top photo- delicious textures and colors! I would have that on my wall! As for four o'clock AM, I am there with you! Though this morning was an hour earlier...gravity is most certainly more dense at that hour and the thoughts/responsibilities are weighty! You do amazingly well at keeping things together /functioning. Take a deep breath,( I tell myself.)..let it go...at least for half a day. Breathe - if your chest hurts ,take a snooze...let things slide. for a bit
ReplyDeleteBe like Olga. (my mantra)Best wishes, you are going to be OK. You do not live in trump country, at least there is that.
My internet is BT too but haven't had a call. EE are supposed to be cheaper according to their ads but as they are part of BT I doubt that.
ReplyDeleteTeach your kids Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain for the rainbow - it's more fun - maybe!
I did all the finance stuff in my marriage too and sometimes I got cross about it but then I did all the cooking and cleaning as well because I never went out to work and was self employed with the campsite at home. Now I'm widowed and have to do everything!
I don't envy you as you deal with two different systems. I am sure you know that in the world it is very rare to pay tax in a country where you don't live.
ReplyDeleteDave may not have the head for such things but he does need to be involved in planning and the bigger picture.
I think you need a punching bag.
Your bookcase arrangement looks good. I would have spoilt it by arranging the books by height ascending.
I feel your pain. 45 years of being the household administrator as well as housekeeper and cook sometimes makes me resentful too.
ReplyDeleteLike Andrew, the mismatched heights of those books would irk me deeply!
The middle of the night is the worst for worries! Hope that Olga didn't ruin any plants.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you! I was up and worried at 2 a.m. It's almost 4 and I haven't gone back to sleep. I think your book display looks nice. It was hard for me being married to someone who traveled constantly for his job while I held down the fort and took care of the kids. I think an equal distribution of labor in a marriage is night unto impossible.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
I mean nigh, not night. ugh
DeleteWe had EE, which used BT equipment, they were always quick to charge and slow to help. We swapped and are far happier, beware if they change anything, it ties you into another year contract.
ReplyDeleteGreat that you have a second old router. That should do the trick. No sense trying to reason with a telecom company. We split responsibilities here, too. SG took over finances when we moved to Spain. Sometimes I wish I had taken that role. He’s not too quick to get things taken care of (in my opinion). And it IS a huge headache dealing with it between the two countries AND in a second language to boot. Also, he’s used to managing multi-million-dollar budgets and our pittance can sometimes seems like play money to him. I hope the day improves. I just took a shower. Dudo apparently followed behind me. There are wet cat prints from the black-tiled bathroom floor and all over the wood floors throughout the house. He even went back for more!
ReplyDeleteI'm with EE and changed from BT..a lot of things you can sort in their high street shops which cover both their brands ( but not Plusnet which is the budget versus)
ReplyDeleteNo problems with either, although there are things that the shops can't deal with.
They both take a while to send the envelope for router return...if it is very long, tell them!
Your old router might not work, I'm not sure....but talk to them.
Problems always seem worse in the wee small hours...and dealing with all the paperwork is not fun on your own...but at least you have Dave doing the catering!!... getting inspiration for a menu is my nightmare!!
Have you ever seen those little Mr Men books by Roger Hargreaves? He is deceased now but his son Adam manages his estate and new characters have been created. There's also a cartoon series. As far as I know, there was no Mr Cranky... until now! This is your chance of fame and glory so grab it with both hands!
ReplyDeleteWell yes, every problem is much larger at 4 am. Maybe look at it again when you settle down with your after work martini.
ReplyDeleteI used to do everything related to taxes, providers of all services, insurances, car service, supervision of repair/renovation work, saving our basement stuff from a flash flood while the man was out teaching or preparing classes and lectures and attending conferences and on the day he retired I handed it all over to him. One of the best days of my life.
That distribution of tasks is a conundrum. I'm guessing you also do the planning related to finances, and that's very tiring, too. Maybe Dave could step up with planning while you do the actual paperwork?
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a 3AM thinker many nights and my mind goes to money and death and taxes and such; dishes and laundry and those things.
ReplyDeleteCarlos, however sleeps like a log.
Damn him!
When I start feeling overwhelmed, I stop and remind myself of the axiom about the best way to eat an elephant.... one bite at a time. Then I just start taking those bites until I get back to where I feel not so overwhelmed again.
ReplyDeleteI'm divorced so I handle all of my own stuff. Still, night time worries are common no matter your situation, I think.
ReplyDeleteI like your book display and even my 7 and 8 year old grandsons know what roygbiv means! ;)
Yes. I think almost all relationships have these unwritten contracts. And both parties can become overwhelmed and wish for help. Or, alternately, wish that the other partner would ask for help (not from me!) instead of trying to do every tiny thing himself. It is complicated. I am so sorry that your day was probably ruined by your 4 a.m. thoughts and worries. Life is just effing complicated.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very nice Roy G. Biv display.
Well What A Flipping Bummer - I Was Anticipating A FOOLS Joke - Wish I Had Some Answer To Offer Up - All I Can Say Is , Queen Olga Girl Loves You Dearly And Didn't Mean To Trample Your Works Of Art - Stay Strong Brother Man As You Will Prevail
ReplyDeleteBe You ,
Cheers
Your color progression of books looks great, (all soft bound?). I organize my glass frit the same way while I think most people sort it by number (each color has a name and production number and is bought by number).
ReplyDeleteI hated those 3 AM waking hours back when we were still working while my brain obsessed over all the seemingly insurmountable problems. I always tried to console myself by thinking there is nothing I can do about any of this at 3 AM and it will seem better in the morning.
And yeah, sometimes I feel like the lion's share of the actual gettings thing done falls to me.
I have gone through periods of thinking I'm pulling all the weight in our relationship, but not in a while. Mike buys groceries, cooks, takes care of the finances and any household issues, and manages the yardwork. I clean the house, do laundry, and take out the trash. Oh, and do the dishes. I think I have the better end of the deal right now. But I still feel VERY RESENTFUL when I'm vacuuming. Ha!
ReplyDeleteI get very resentful that our household chores are not more evenly distributed and resentment is not good for a relationship. I pretty much do everything, every fucking thing. He does his own laundry now because I wouldn't. He has never cleaned a toilet, or a bathroom, ever. When I met him, he lived in filth and if I left him, he would live in filth again. He also spent most of his life on the road, living in hotels, so he actually has no clue when running a household entails. As for taxes, when I met him, he hadn't done taxes since his last wife had done them for him. He has a high IQ, that's not the problem, not just when the problem is. Just so you know, you're not alone.
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DeleteWow, I made a lot of typos. He has no clue how to run a household.
I'm not sure what the problem is. Sigh.
I woke up at about 4 and when I came back to bed, my head was spinning off in all directions. It is a bad way to start a busy day, that is for sure. I fell asleep at some point after the hall clock chimed 5.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping your day has improved greatly by now. I understand that feeling. I have many times worried during the wee hours of the morning about something that really is/was just and average problem.
ReplyDeleteMy husband regularly has long, involved conversations with BT/EE/Outreach when things break down. We live near a mast but our reception is terrible. We've had routers and boxes up the ying yang, but nothing ever works for long.
ReplyDeleteI think we all occasionally wake-up in the wee hours of the morning to mull over issues. My hour is 3 AM. It throws the entire day off.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, division of labor is never equal. When I feel overscheduled, I start hiring tasks out to other people or give my one-and-only the option of taking on a project or two. It works for us. That said, like most things, I have to initiate changes.
Your library book display is wonderful.
Today, the wild turkeys were pecking and scratching in my newly planted small pansy bed. It looks destroyed. Like Olga, they are searching for something! Off to the garden center to buy something new.
Being single, everything falls on me and I can mostly handle it except when I add in any snafus, non-working appliances or cars or unexpected tasks. Now that I have my own *stuff* plus my mom's estate to deal with, I'm seriously overwhelmed. My brother offers to help but he works and isn't her personal representative so there's only so much he can do. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteAnd sorry you are cranky. It sounds like a normal reaction to everything on your plate.
ReplyDeleteI hear you! Frequently I wake up waaaay too early, brain gets on the hamster wheel and I fret. It's exhausting. We've never had to deal with complicated post death stuff, my Dad gave all of his money to his second wife, so that was simple. Jim's parents had a trust which made things very easy, plus we're not domiciled in the UK. Can your brother help with your Mom's side of things?
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, Steve. (haha... I just read something yesterday about Bill Clinton using that expression and getting a lot of grief over it) As long as I'm quoting platitudes, remember "this, too, shall pass".
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't bet the farm on the kids asking. I asked the 6 and 8 year old if they knew Roy G. Biv -- and they did! ("The rainbow colors!") So, maybe your gang already knows-- hope so! I love the display. Is there any way you can at least talk about this with Dave, making clear all the points you made here on division of labor and not asking him to DO it, but that you need some support or input (or whatever you need)? It does sound stressful and a huge burden to bear the entire responsibility when at least some of it -- the financial planning and end of life stuff -- is related to both of you. And yes, everything is worse at 4 a.m. Now it's closer to 9 or 10 (not sure our time dif now) and hopefully you can get a good rest tonight and that the rest of the day shaped up.
ReplyDeleteThere are some days that everything that could go wrong, goes wrong. Your case is complicated by the two countries. It will work out. You're smart guys.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am responsible for everything my husband did (except his paying job) AND everything I did, I wish I had taken more responsibility for "his" labour while he was still alive and I could ease into it and learn from him. But like many couples, we divided the work according to what we were good at. What would Dave do if something happened to you and he HAD to do everything you're doing? Ask him :)
ReplyDeleteThat's all my advice for today. You seem like a fair person who knows his strengths and weaknesses, and when you get some sleep tonight I hope the problems will look less stark. Oh, and I can't bear to arrange books by anything but alphabetical (author) order, so I understand. But I do like the look of it on other people's shelves :)
At least you didn't have to stand and speak for 25 hours in the U.S. Senate!
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ReplyDeleteWe have a similar division of labor in our house and every time tax time comes around I think how my husband lucked out with a partner who gets that all sorted and imagine never having to deal with that year after year. Granted my taxes are way more complicated but still. But he does do all the grocery shopping and cooking and car servicing and when the kids were growing up got them to school on time and he definitely does his part. But yeah, there’s always one in a pair with a head for the paperwork. Or so it seems to me.
ReplyDeleteLove the Roy G. Biv. books. As far as the router goes I think you should only send one back once you have the new one and it is installed and operational. Go ahead and send the old spare one. They can't complain.
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