I had the strangest feeling at work yesterday -- a sudden feeling of fatigue, like I'm dragging my feet through wet cement. It was mid-morning and I was sitting at my desk, actually, and not even walking around, but suddenly the prospect of doing anything seemed huge. I had another Newbery book to read that I'd been carrying for two days, but felt unable to start. I had things to do at work, of course, but there I sat, momentarily paralyzed.
It occurred to me that this feeling must be depression. Not that it was entirely new -- although I've kept myself busy in the past few weeks and months, the fact is I've felt bogged down for a while. I'm just UP TO HERE with Covid and precautions and the inability to shop or travel or go to a pub or go out to eat, all the little things that we normally do from day to day that make life enjoyable. Instead I'm doing pretty much the same things every weekday, right down to the lunch I eat and the TV shows we watch at night, and pretty much the same thing on weekends with slight variations. My walk to Trafalgar Square from a couple of weeks ago seems like an impossibly exotic adventure!
I've said it before, but I've got to get myself out of this rut. Of course we're all feeling it, especially here in the UK where so many things are still locked down. I think I'm going to try a little train trip in two or three weeks, when my vaccine has fully kicked in and maybe more places have opened. (According to the plan, which I think is still in effect, shops and outdoor hospitality (pubs) reopen April 12, and travel outside our local area is possible after the end of this month.)
I think my sense of frustration is compounded by the seasons changing. Spring should be a time of reopening, reawakening, and instead we're all still tied down and muzzled. Nature is doing its thing, of course, and having the garden is wonderful, but I need normalcy.
Anyway, I feel like I've written this post before, and I probably have. Sorry about that.
(Photos: Colorful cones at Hampstead Heath Extension; some stencilled graffiti on a telephone exchange box in Hampstead.)
Good on you for having the courage to share your grinding sense of discontent. I am sure that it echoes what many of us are feeling. We like to think of ourselves as well-balanced, decent and resilient citizens but COVID and all that it has entailed continues to push us right to the edge:
ReplyDelete...life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an illusion
And your world around is crumblin' down
As you suggest, with springtime hope appears and this particular spring brings more hope than most that have gone before. Hang on in there Steve.
Thanks for the support, YP. We will all get through this!
DeleteOh, Steve, you are not alone, although that doesn't make it any easier. Fresh air and any kind of activity helps. But you're better than most at staying active. We both here hit Covid fatigue this week, but are now coming out of it. I know you will, too, and being open about it helps.
ReplyDeleteI would go crazy if I couldn't at least take my regular local walks -- as you do daily.
DeleteMy opinion is that things will never be the same as they were again. The best way to deal with this is to make your own little world as pleasant as you can. Enjoy the bursting buds, Olga and Dave, enjoy your meals and reading your books and make the most of each day.
ReplyDeleteThere is no other way and being frustrated with the restrictions will only make you worse.
Try to stay positive.
Big Hugs
Briony
x
I think things WILL eventually get back to normal, more or less, but it's only going to happen after everyone is vaccinated -- so probably well into the summer. I mean, at some point, we all have to simply move forward and live our lives. We can't cower behind masks forever.
DeleteAfter having bouts of that for several months I was persuaded to go get a blood test: thyroid deficiency.
ReplyDeleteInteresting! I hadn't even thought of a biological cause. If it continues I'll have it checked out!
DeleteI understand the fatigue you describe
ReplyDeleteNow we are almost through lockdown I have that same feeling as I do when I’m waiting for dawn to appear.
It’s true when they say night is darkest just before dawn
I think that hits the nail on the head -- the end is in sight, and yet still so far away.
DeleteI think may of us are going through that "same thing, different day" mood these days.
ReplyDeleteAnd over here, with the GQP states reopening without mask mandates, the COVID numbers are going up again, so it makes you wonder if we'll ever get out of this.
You try to remain hopeful, and I am, but it's hard when nothing changes.
Hopefully as the vaccine spreads the numbers will decline, even with the GQP stupidity. I keep reading about all these people who refuse to get the shot, and I think, "Well, that's Darwin at work!"
DeleteNo, don't be sorry. It is getting to us all.
ReplyDeleteSending a virtual hug. ((0))
Thanks and hugs back! ((O))
DeleteYou speak for all of us!
ReplyDeleteCheers Peter
I know, everyone's feeling it. Thanks, Peter.
DeleteIt's all a bit much, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteAaaaaaargh! Everyone said it would be a matter of a year or more before this went away, if it EVER did, and I just couldn't believe it at first.
DeleteYes. I believe that many of us have hit the proverbial wall.
ReplyDeleteAt least in my case it's just a matter of not being able to go out or socialize in person with others. Some people have delayed weddings, and some people -- like YP's daughter's in-laws -- are unable to see new grandchildren. I can't imagine!
DeleteI am feeling so much the same way, Steve. I am waiting for normal to return and worry that it may not. I hope that the spring light and blooming flowers will lift our spirits. Take care there.
ReplyDeleteI think "normal" will return, eventually. And sooner rather than later. But getting there is a drag!
DeleteIt's a challenge to keep on going sometimes. You are far more restricted than we are.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it sounds like things in the states are pretty open, and maybe it's the same in Red Deer. Dave's parents are always telling us about going out to restaurants and stuff, and it blows our minds.
DeleteMy friend had an "invisible heart attack" that he described as exactly what you felt. He was in the middle of a school play (the teacher) when it happened. You might want to make sure it wasn't something like that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when out walking I have felt like I just can't take another step; I want to sit down at the side of the road. I think it's from being dressed too warmly.
Here's hoping it's nothing serious. Even depression is serious.
-Kate
Yikes! I am 99 percent sure my feeling was emotional/psychological rather than physical, but I will definitely pay attention to my body and listen to any cues that tell me otherwise.
DeleteI'm sorry you're feeling that way, but it is totally understandable. I think my husband is in the same place of wanting COVID to just be over.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time when you think, "OK, we've taken all these precautions, and we've been careful, but now we have to get back to living our lives. This cannot continue indefinitely." And that's where I am. Although I really don't think it WILL continue indefinitely -- just until everyone gets their shots, and I'm certainly cool with waiting until then.
DeleteI see your ugh and raise it with one of my own. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteUgh and double-ugh!
DeleteI think you need an outing to look forward to. That can make a difference. A trip in April sounds great.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I have Florida in July, but I need something sooner. We'll see what I come up with!
DeleteSorry to hear that feeling has taken hold of you. I can understand completely. I've had the same feeling a few times lately. In fact, a few weeks ago I pretty much slept my way through a whole day. I just couldn't get going. I went to see my chiropractor yesterday for the first time in exactly one year. He's a great guy who loves travel as much as I do. He asked me what I've been up to and I laughed and said "Absolutely nothing, working from home, relaxing at home, eating at home." It's like a lost year.
ReplyDeleteIt is! Like you, I hold travel as one of the chief pleasures in life, and not being able to do it is SO frustrating!
DeleteThis is the same feeling that lots of us are having. Once you're all vaccinated, take that ride. Stop for lunch outdoors somewhere. I have five more days to wait then I'm going to ask my daughter or son in law to take me shopping in a real store. Hang in there, you're almost there. Hugs, Edna B.
ReplyDeleteI have had my first shot, and I think once it's kicked in (a couple of weeks) and our rules have loosened, I'll take some local trips. I don't get my second shot until June, and I don't think I can wait that long!
DeleteI know exactly what you mean. I'm sick of the same old thing every single day. Is the end really in sight?
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
And I try to shake up the routines a bit and do different things, but it's not always easy within our currently proscribed lives!
DeleteStart making a list of what to do, where to go, who to visit... anticipate your joy. and you might start to feel joyful.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's a good idea -- plan for a freer future. I like that.
DeleteYes, make a list and then mark things off as you do them. The joy of accomplishment can do wonders, I think. Good luck, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI have a (very short) mental list of a few places I'd like to go nearby. Maybe I'll be able to get to some of them sooner rather than later.
DeleteGet away for a little time if you can, out of London at least and see some rolling green hills and maybe the seaside.
ReplyDeleteA change of scenery would do a world of good!
DeleteLate to comment. Sorry to read this and also cheered by your approach. I think we are all in a somewhat similar situation and yet, I truly hope you can see and experience that spring is just as always, new light, bird song, colours, warmth, growth . . . no matter what.
ReplyDelete