I experienced an awkward moment with a student yesterday in the library. Our computer system allows us to look up patrons by either first or last name, and it also shows students' preferred names -- whatever first name they most commonly use. Well, a kid approached the desk and I knew the last name, so I looked them up, and the computer gave me a preferred name that turned out to be totally inaccurate. Apparently the student has come out as transgender or non-binary, and now uses a different preferred name associated with another gender.
So basically I deadnamed the kid, and I got a chilly response when I did so. But I explained that I was relying on the computer and they understood that. It wasn't a big deal, but it made me realize (and not for the first time) that the school needs to find a way to let all of us know when a student is identifying by another gender and using a different name. I'm sure that student's teachers know, but the rest of the staff would have no idea unless it's in the computer.
It's so hard to know how to handle these situations, because sometimes adopting a preferred name turns out to be rather temporary, and sometimes it's not. Anyway, I'm going to ask about this student and whether we need to change the record.
The perils of teaching in the modern world!
Last night, I watched the BBC dramatization "Men Up," based on the drug trials for Viagra done in Wales in the 1990s. Blogger John Gray mentioned it in a recent post, and it was very good. Apparently the trials were specifically for heterosexual men, and any found to be in gay relationships risked being ejected from the trial. Why this would be true I have no idea -- why would the gender of a partner have any bearing on the effectiveness of the drug?
Anyway, the men in the trial become friends and a support network for each other. At one point, one man is undergoing some emotional distress, and another provides comfort, telling him his late wife used to say, "We're all just walking each other home." I thought that was a rather beautiful sentiment.
(Photo: A doorway in West Hampstead, spotted on a recent walk.)
What happened to you at school is a thought provoking example of the huge gap between our mental flexibility and the rigidity of the computer world. Sometimes you really have to fight with them for them to understand.
ReplyDeleteFor any change can you add "known as"...which can cover many situations? Some way to put in both to keep the computer happy as well as the library user
ReplyDeleteI also watched "Men Up" and enjoyed it though it was lighter than I expected it to be. "Walking each other home" is indeed a nice sentiment though it may suggest that living is just a blip before we return to our "Maker" and that is certainly not how I see things. This miracle of life on this particular planet is all we have got. There's nothing more.
ReplyDeleteI love that statement and will have to remember it! Glad the student understood, but too bad you were put in that situation. A wake up call
ReplyDeleteHank had to gently tell me what deadnaming is. I had no idea. This was quite awhile ago. Things have changed considerably if it is now a school's policy to have a student's preferred name on file. And this is how it should be, not like in Florida where they're trying to enforce students to go by the names they were given at birth, even to the point where nicknames are being disallowed. Things are dire here.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you for whatever reason, that rose pink doorway photo is beautiful to me. I love the color, the wreath, and the tiles in front of it. Someone has good taste! Or, at least, similar taste to mine!
It's a lovely picture to accompany the title of the post.
I'm glad it was you and not a less sensitive person who came on that deadname situation.
ReplyDeleteI have always loved that quote, that we're all just walking each other home. And that poor kid, but I'm sure they saw that you meant no harm, and now it's inspired you to take action, so good on you.
ReplyDeleteWell, with the accidental change of name to Red, I might have caused problems. I've had a few questions. Red came about when setting up my first email account. Keith wasn't accepted. I quickly chose Red from my town's name.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest grandchild has changed their name from Scarlett to Vincent. Of course, I always call them Vincent now but sometimes I mess up with other words when I am talking about them. I recently referred to Vincent and her sister, Izzy, as "sisters" but my son said it is better to say "siblings" or "kids". I always apologize and they know I am trying and I always try to do better.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't mean any harm and I am sure the student understood that.
It won't be the first or last time that somebody gets that student's name wrong and it's all part of learning, for everyone. As they age, they will become more compassionate to others. Teens are not know for their ability to see the world from another's viewpoint.
ReplyDeleteWe get transgender patients sometimes and often they have to stop taking their hormones during their treatments. One patient who was originally a man, but who transitioned to female, had stop their hormones and now presented as looking much more masculine and I accidently said he. I apologized but they were so kind and said not to worry.
I went and talked to a coworker whose son is transgender and she told me not to worry. She said it happens and I had apologized, that's the important part. And it wasn't really your fault, the computer system needs to be updated.
I love that sentiment. Thanks for sharing that.
ReplyDeleteAlthough being very uncomfortable for you, at least you know how to handle the name situation with kindness and respect.
Honest mistakes happen. I am sure your explanation and apology eased the mistake. Sometimes important data takes time to catch up. Fixing the data delay is important and you are addressing this well. I also like the pink door and stone entry in your photo.
ReplyDeleteThat's a beautiful expression. I like that. I'm glad you're following up on the student. I'm sure it's not uncommon and you could of course refer him that this is what the computer said. A kid might not have the sense to fix that himself with the computer people so good for you, following up.
ReplyDeleteI see 'they' being used a lot, instead of identifying gender with a specific pronoun. At first it sounded weird to me, now I'm not seeing or hearing it. I do love that door with the wreath on it, very nice.
ReplyDelete"Walking each other home"--I love that. Home represents to me comfort, warmth and security, without religious overtones. I had some transgender students before I retired and the name situation is complicated and can change from day to day. I struggle using the pronoun "they" for a singular; I wish there was a different alternative.
ReplyDeleteI would have been uncomfortable in that situation too! There should definitely be a way to keep staff up to date on changes like that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link. I had no idea what that term meant, and now I do! It was an honest mistake on your part, so I'm glad they were understanding. Shouldn't it be up to the student (or their parents, maybe) to make sure the change has been updated in all the proper places? Any time there are changes in life - address, marital status, name, even death - there is "paperwork" involved.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of paperwork, I'll never forget the time I was helping a trans individual fill out their form at our local food bank. They weren't sure how they should answer some of the questions given the situation. Now keep in mind this is in the rural south. I'm glad I was the one helping since most of the folks I volunteer with would have been totally thrown for a loop!
Here in Saskatchewan the Conservative provincial government has passed a law that schools must inform the parents if a student wishes to go by a different name. There's been quite a kerfuffle about it, as those who have actual experience of the situation understand that if a student isn't telling their parents, there's a reason.
ReplyDeleteThe student portal at the university I am attending has got all the gender stuff and name clearly sorted. I guess your school software needs adjusting to bring it up to date with modern demands of society.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link to deadnaming. I wasn't aware of the term and that wrong naming can be used with malice.
ReplyDeleteI like GZ's suggestion with both names on the record and clearly indicating the person's preferred name.
I really like that phrase 'Walking each other home'.
The door is nice. The dreadful paving certainly isn't.
This modern world poses many problems.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, the school's computer system needs to be upgraded with every name change, temporary or not.
ReplyDeleteThe pink door with the coloured baubles wreath looks very nice.
Yael: Yes, computers are very "binary" (literally!).
ReplyDeleteGZ: Well, as I said, we have a field for preferred names. Someone just needs to enter this student's new name in the system.
YP: I agree with you about our lives here and now, but I don't think "walking each other home" necessarily HAS to have a religious interpretation. Home could be anything. The place from whence we came, even if that's just oblivion.
Mitchell: It wasn't so terrible but I do think we need to come up with a way to acknowledge such changes.
Ms Moon: It's so ridiculous. Why are conservatives so anti-government yet they're willing to allow the government to enforce our NAMES? I liked that door too!
Boud: I'm sure it happens to that student all the time. Which is not to say that's OK.
37P: Yeah, I'm going to try to get something done about it.
Red: Oh, that's funny! I never connected "Red" to the name of your town, but of course that makes sense!
Ellen D: It's hard when you've spent years thinking of someone in a certain way and suddenly that shifts. It takes a while to catch up! And yes, the pronoun thing is difficult. I will probably always struggle with that.
Pixie: I'm sure your patients feel they have bigger fish to fry, so to speak. It's all about perspective.
Sharon: I just hope I can remember when I see this student next!
Susan: Yeah, I'll follow up and try to get it adjusted in the computer.
Jeanie: I'm not sure the student even COULD fix it. I suspect the information needs to come from us. Seems like someone in admin would do it, but perhaps there's a reason they haven't.
Allison: I still find "they" hard to use in a singular sense. It's too bad we don't have a gender-neutral pronoun. (Well, I guess we have "it," but obviously that doesn't work for people.)
Margaret: Yes, I agree with your interpretation of "home." That's how I see it too. As for the names, yes, they can change!
Bug: I think someone just needs to make the change in the system, which I cannot do on my own.
Kelly: It's a good thing circumstance put you two together! Yes, perhaps the problem is that no one has taken the initiative to make the change.
Blondi: It seems so ridiculous to me. How have we become so hung up on gender? And yes, I can imagine many reasons a student might want privacy. My parents were quite liberal but I would never want to have been "outed" to them as gay in high school.
Rachel: Well, as I said, there is a computer field for preferred name. But yeah, I'm not sure about gender options and that kind of thing. I'll have to look.
Andrew: Oh, see, I love that paving!
Catalyst: Or "opportunities"? :)
River: It's simply a matter of entering data, which could happen in two seconds. I'm not sure why there's such a lag.
My Transgender Grandchild changed their Name Legally when I Adopted them, still choosing a Male Name, but wanting to be Them, They... and it is that part I found harder when addressing a singular person and not multiple people... language is so ingrained and at my Age, they understand the slip ups. All these Years later few Deadname the Grandchild and use the previous Name, it's annoying to them when it happens tho', some people do it intentionally and that's obvious. It's less offensive when it's not done with any intention of being hurtful or insensitive. You handled it well.
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