Here are some of the buildings Sharon and I encountered during our visit to Hackney Wick last weekend. It may be gentrified, but it's still a very colorful neighborhood!
This one has a Roy Lichtenstein feel to it...sort of Lichtenstein-meets-Marvel-Comics.
You might be wondering (probably not) whatever happened to my itchy arms. Well, they're still itchy. I have backed off the belief that insects are the cause. I haven't been outside enough in the past week to have encountered any insects. I'm returning to the belief that this is a result of cumulative sun damage over the course of the summer. Now that I'm at work I'm obviously in the sun much less, and I've been taking a daily antihistamine, which seems to help -- so I think the problem is slowly, slowly going away. It's still a very peculiar situation.
The lesson for the future, I think, is that I need to wear sunscreen.
I've been missing Olga a lot lately. The other night I woke up in the wee hours and came out to sit in the living room for a moment, and missed the fact that when she was alive, she would wonder where I was if I didn't come back to bed. She'd come out to sit with me on the couch. I still miss her snoring weight and her presence in the garden during the day, annoying as it could be. It's been slightly more than a month since she left us, but it seems much longer. When a constant presence is suddenly absent, that absence seems even more profound.
I think I'm approaching this year at work with more trepidation than I let on in yesterday's post. This was amplified by a meeting we had yesterday where we outlined what's needed in the coming year, and it sounds like I'll be spending even more time in the Lower School and less doing what I used to do. Every day's schedule is going to be different, and there will be much less routine. I'm told that overdue materials are "just books" (in other words, don't spend so much time trying to get them back) and I'm still doing all the book covering. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what's expected of me, but the message I'm getting is that I should not count on sitting at the circulation desk as much. At the moment, the prospect of another whole year is not very compelling. Maybe that will change as I get more into the rhythm of things.
I think I'm just exhausted with all the opening-week activity, too. I'm ready to have students back and stop with all these meetings and trainings and speeches and socializing.
All I know is, it's not a good thing when I wake up in the middle of the night stewing about work. I am ready to leave this part of my life behind.
Dave had a little more left over bolognaise sauce from dinner on Wednesday night, and I put it out for the foxes once again. I honestly don't mean to make a habit of this but I hate throwing away perfectly good meat sauce, and when it's not enough to save but too much to put in the trash, an animal is the perfect solution. Again, I'm missing Olga!
Anyway, this time around, the fox never came for it. According to the garden cam, a curious cat checked it out but I think ultimately the starlings ate it. The idea of birds eating meat sauce is a little disgusting for some reason.
Work can have that effect, can't it, when we return after a break and find there will be changes that don't sound great. I perfectly understand that you just want to have things back to normal, with those parts of your job that you like and not sitting in meeting after meeting.
ReplyDeleteGrief can be strange in the way how we perceive the passing of time since the death of a beloved person or animal. When my Steve died, sometimes only months afterwards it felt like a different life long in the past, whereas sometimes even years later (it'll be 16 years in November) a stab of pain made me think it had only just happened.
I can see how the time will seem to stretch and bend over the course of mourning a death. It's a very strange phenomenon.
DeleteEverything is changing, which can be unsettling. Not every change is bad, but even positive ones need re-adjustment.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to be open-minded about what's being asked of me, but sometimes we just want our routines, you know?
Deleteife feels heavier when routines shift and a beloved presence is gone.
ReplyDeleteIndeed.
DeleteYou do sound ready to give up your library work, I felt exactly the same in my last role, I have never regretted leaving, sometimes you just know it's time to go.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I am feeling that way, for sure. I think once the decision has been made it can be hard to keep plugging away with the same dedication, but I'll do my best.
DeleteOnce you have made that decision your attitude changes irreversibly. I was the same when I applied for early retirement. Work became more irksome until I was literally counting down the hours.
ReplyDeleteI just keep repeating to myself, "I'll never have to do all this again!"
DeleteI decided to get out when they made so many unpleasant changes it became intolerable.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's often the case, isn't it? When you've been around long enough to remember how it "used to be," and you miss those times.
Delete"Just books"! What an outrageous notion for a librarian. She should be saying, "Precious books" for that is what libraries are all about - treasure houses of knowledge and literary pleasure. If you're dismissing what resides in a library as "just books" you are in the wrong job. Perhaps your boss should instead join PhilistinesRUS by appointment to Donald J. Trump.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I am actually agreeing with everything you have stated here ... right down to the Orange Bastard part!
DeleteI get what she's saying on one level -- an £8 paperback, on its face, is a small thing -- but I think she's ignoring the part of our job that teaches responsibility and use of the library as a community resource. There's an element of cooperation in library use that must be taught and reinforced.
DeleteI suppose it might be a bit more awkward if the birds were eating roast chicken. Sorry about work. Doesn’t sound very pleasant.
ReplyDeleteI've seen pigeons eating chicken before, and that IS really gross. Of course, birds eat each other in the wild all the time.
DeleteI'm wonder if the loss of Olga is making it all the harder to gear up for one last year at work. It's another loss to anticipate (even a welcome one this time) and in this case you're stuck waiting until next summer before you can start to move on from this era in your life.
ReplyDeleteOnce the students come back, you'll probably be more distracted and will get into a real daily groove, which should help pass the time. I hope so. I don't enjoy a whole week of "professional development" and out-of-whack schedules the first week back without students, either. A day or two would be plenty, but then, I'm not a teacher so it's probably needed for them.
I do think there were a lot of changes in my life this year and they've all had a sort of cumulative effect. I'm definitely still coming to terms with Olga's death.
DeleteJust reading your comments about "teacher work week" brings back so many memories for me. Good ones like seeing friends and colleagues after a summer off, and bad ones sitting in meeting after meeting listening to new edicts that the school district has brought forth.
ReplyDeleteAfter Murphy passed, it took me months and months to feel like I was in a normal routine again. I would sometimes think that I'd hear him coming down the hall towards the bedroom. When that happened, I would feel so sad. I miss seeing your photos of Olga. I know you and Dave loved her so, and I know how hard it is after they are gone.
So much of what we do during this week is repetitive -- first aid training, child protection training, opening meetings and messages, etc. EVERY YEAR we do this stuff. Argh!
DeleteI always expect Olga to come and greet me when I walk in the door. I have to remind myself that she won't.
I still miss Lucy my spaniel after 5 years. It is their character I think we miss, which is not always perfect but binds us as family. Olga was a sweet old girl and you are going to miss her for a long time, this is probably feeding into your antipathy towards work.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right -- Olga's loss is no doubt contributing to my general mood.
DeleteI don't know what to say, beyond the last photo is interesting and open to interpretation.
ReplyDeleteIs it?! How are you interpreting it?! LOL
DeleteOur crows DO eat the leavings from boiling up chicken leavings - they even cart away the bones. They also like the trimmings from beef and they are learning what to do with cracked eggs.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I mean, magpies eat eggs and raptors certainly eat small birds. Meat-eating birds is nothing new!
DeleteI was wondering about your itchy arms and whether you'd found a solution.
ReplyDeleteWork doesn't seem to be very enlivening for you at present. I hope it picks up when school starts properly. There's only so much you can discuss . . .
Olga is haunting you, making sure she's not forgotten (as if . . . )
She needn't worry. She will never be forgotten! As if, indeed...
DeleteBirds are cannibals. My parakeets were mad over hardboiled egg yolk, big treat.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like this job has run its course. Why be bound by a year? Why not start a job hunt now? Your wild and precious life is too good to spend in a job that's become a grind. Signed by someone who changed entire careers every few years!
The very thought of job-hunting fills me with fatigue. It's part of why I've stayed in this job so long! I don't see myself going back to work full time unless I have to.
DeleteYou know, in the last few months of work, it seemed that things got simply increasingly harder to take. I think I was just so ready to be done. What was funny is that at the end, they tried to talk me into extending for just a few more months. "Aren't you tempted?' I was asked. Short answer: nope. I wanted to be done. My sister will be retiring in 12 weeks. I see the same thing happening with her. She is ready to go. I think you might have one foot out the door as well.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's like a switch gets flipped in your brain and you just don't process any more changes. All you can think about is getting out.
DeleteI was going to work until I'm 67 (5 1/2 more years) but more and more I'm thinking it will be 65 because it's harder and harder to have other people tell me what to do with my time. Plus I'm not as sharp as I used to be which is VERY ANNOYING. All that to say: I feel you! And I'm sorry about Olga. She was such a huge part of your life.
ReplyDeleteThat's part of it too, for me -- feeling like I don't do the job as well as I used to. Some of that is probably just fatigue but some of it is age. I think I used to remember all the kids' names better than I do now, for example.
DeleteAre you able to find another job? A more satisfying one? It sounds like this one isn't doing it for you anymore, or at least what the job has morphed into. I'm sorry about Olga. Grief is hard and comes back in bits and pieces at the most unexpected times.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs.
I don't really see myself getting another job, at least not full-time, unless it becomes a financial necessity.
DeleteBrother Man , I Too Miss The Sh*T Out Of That Queen And All Those Just Because Treats - And Do I Ever Miss Those Naps In The Sunshine - Feel Free To Post Some Throw Back Photos And Have A Delightful Happy Cry While Doing So - You Got This Mr Reed
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs ,
Cheers
I know you miss giving Olga treats! As for throwback photos, I don't feel ready for that, yet. I have to let her be in the past for a while.
DeleteAfter reading Pixie's comment I had a sudden vision of you in your own used bookstore which carried a sideline of old postcards and photos. I'm not saying you SHOULD open your own bookstore, I'm just saying that was what my mind's eye gave me. No bosses, no meetings, no trainings! Ye Olde Books And Images.
ReplyDeleteYou could do it, Steve!
(I am being completely facetious here but I did really see that in my mind. You were wearing an apron.)
Well, that's a nice idea! Or maybe a bric-a-brac store? Stocked with all the stuff I find on London's sidewalks? LOL!
DeleteWeirdly, our high street already has TWO independent bookstores, which is more than I would think our little community could adequately support. I don't know how they both stay in business.
I think you are ready to move on from the library. Hopefully the return of students will make things more pleasant. While staying on for a bit longer, my suggestion is you just coast. Go along and make no waves. Avoid anything that might cause stress. Get the early retirement and be happily done.
ReplyDeleteYou and Olga had a very special bond. Feeling her absence is hard. I miss Olga too and I only knew her through your blog. Only time will heal.
Definitely ready! And yes, coasting is my goal. I am trying to simply do what is asked.
DeleteYour routine has completely changed since Olga died and the changes at work are just piling on to that. One day at a time - you will make it through the year and then you can rest and decide - what's next?!
ReplyDeleteExactly. I am looking forward to a new step, whatever that might be.
DeleteI agree with Jaycee. Once you decided to quit after one more year it's seems inevitable that you would resent that last year. But maybe after school starts you'll be busy enough and maybe with the changes it will take your mind off the anticipation of leaving. I'd rather be busy than sitting at a desk all day.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of this is just getting back into the rhythm of things -- to the extent that they still HAVE a rhythm!
DeleteSometimes people in your work situation get pushed around without much consideration. Administration thinks that you can do all the odd jobs. but don't forget that you do a very valuable service.
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you for saying so! I'm not entirely sure everyone in my department thinks I'm all that valuable.
DeletePerhaps the fox is not a fan of bolognaise two nights a week and would like to you provide him/her with more variety?
ReplyDeleteHa! If so, that fox doesn't need me or my food.
DeleteUnfortunately I have a bad case of ML (Mayonnaise Legs) that goes well beyond my legs so I have always worn lots of sunscreen. Hopefully it pays off as my mom and grandfather both spent lots of time in their older years getting pieces of flesh carved off of them and tested.
ReplyDeleteYeah, my dad was always getting keratoses frozen off his head from years of sun damage. I have them too but they don't freeze them here in the UK as a rule.
DeleteI think it's normal to miss a beloved pet for a long time. Grief takes its own path and time. A rough work situation thrown into the mix doesn't help. I used to hate that first week back, before the students returned, of meetings and workshops. Such a huge waste of time. And once you know you'll be retiring soon, there's a feeling of just getting through the days. At least there was for me. I hope work improves.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how it feels -- like a huge waste of time. And I know the teachers have even more to do with lesson planning and whatnot. Sitting in these meetings seems like a ridiculous diversion.
DeleteI've lost the plot, when are you retiring? You don't look old enough to retire. I hated work meetings, too much monkey motion and people talking just to hear themselves speak.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not sure I'm fully retiring. I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm leaving the library at the end of this school year, hopefully. (Still awaiting word from the school about whether they agree with that proposal.)
DeleteCan you retire before the year is out or are you contractually obligated? If you have the option to leave earlier, it might be for the best.
ReplyDeleteI could give them 30 days notice at any time, if I wanted.
DeleteThe changes and challenges of a new school year always stressed me out and threw me off balance. I would see how it goes after you're adjusted to it. I think your way forward will be clear at that point! I don't think mourning has any timeline whether it's a beloved pet or a person. Nearly every time I see one of my grandsons, I think about how much my late husband would have loved these little boys.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I need to take this step by step and see how well I adjust over the course of the year. And yes, mourning is a very individual thing.
DeleteI feel for you, Steve. Hopefully it will get better when the kids come back, but the bonus is knowing it's the last year. Missing Olga doesn't make matters any better.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest grandson has to wear sunscreen to school every day. Even a half hour on the playground after lunch will burn him.
It's amazing that we used to play outside with no sunscreen at all. I never thought anything of it!
DeleteEvery day is one less before you retire. It's amazing how much that knowledge helps the worst days.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on Olga. Certain things, certain times -- they're just downright hard. And you can't guarantee what moment it will hit. All you can do is go with it. You've had a lot of late -- back to work in a job that's not really what you want to do anymore with changes; itchy arms, loss of Olga. Just take it one day at a time.
There HAS been a lot happening this summer! You're right that Olga's absence hits me at unpredictable times.
DeleteEven now, so many years later, out of the corner of my eye , I see Dexter or Copper lieing on the sofa and I feel peaceful. Illusion that I like a lot. Olga was such a presence , It is so difficult to subtract one member from family.
ReplyDeleteI will be glad when you are retired...
I will be too! I suppose those "sightings" of Dexter or Cooper are signs that they are still with you, one way or another -- even if only in your mind.
DeleteEven your graffiti photos have a vibrancy about them
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to make street art dull. It's all so lively and colorful!
DeleteCodex: What would help? What type of content in a comment?
ReplyDeleteI like Gwynneth's approach on her blog, asking people to drop a pebble (o) if they have nothing to say. I don't expect you to HAVE to leave a comment. If you aren't sure what to say, don't feel that you have to say anything! :)
DeleteCodex: Interesting idea. You misunderstood. I would like to provide something helpful in this particular post, i also did not want to be insensitive, hence my question.
DeletePS: e.g. there is no such thing as a sun allergy (it's plugged pores made worse by the sun.) Something caused a reaction you have to figure out what. Is this helpful at all?
DeleteI think prickly heat is plugged pores, yes. But the sun can also cause hives, which while not a true allergy, is an immune reaction.
Deletehttps://www.health.harvard.edu/a_to_z/sun-allergy-photosensitivity-a-to-z
Only you can know what your comment should be! I'm not particularly sensitive, though, so in most cases you won't offend me. :)
Well, my leg is still itching too in spite of the cream.
ReplyDeleteI love all the street art. I think I have pictures of some of the same pieces.
These itches are so annoying!
Delete