Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I’m getting a late start this morning, just waking up at 7 a.m. I had a strange night. I woke up about 1:30 a.m. and I could NOT get back to sleep. I lay there thinking about work, and about my life in general, wading into the weeds with questions like, “Where are you going? What do you want in life? What are your goals?”

Finally I broke out John Cheever just to get my brain off that hamster wheel, and after I read a short story and had a bowl of cereal I was able to get back to sleep again.

It’s true that I’m not particularly good at goal-setting. I tend to just hover in a job until the next thing comes along that seems right, and that pretty much describes my approach to my personal life, too. I’m not good at trying to nudge things along, to make things happen.

The truth is, I haven’t enjoyed my job for years. I have some good days, but I’m removed from what I most enjoy about journalism -- the writing, the storytelling. Now I mostly help get the tools and processes in place for our papers to tell their stories better, and there’s virtually no hands-on work.

On the personal front, I was recently talking to a friend who’s started dating a guy he met via a dating site on the Internet. I was thinking, “Geez, maybe I should be doing more of that.” I’ve only tried Internet dating once -- but let’s face it, that’s how many people meet nowadays.

I like to be open to what’s really happening, as opposed to getting wrapped up in what I only want to happen. But maybe I’m being too passive. Maybe helping things along would be good for me.

I hate insomnia. Ugh.

(Photo: "Flying" reflections in Chelsea, March 2009)


Barbara said...

Maybe your sleeplessness is a sign that it's time for a change. Habits are so comfortable, but every now and again they become boring. Maybe you can put a more positive spin on it after a good night's sleep.

Change is in the wind everywhere these days.

Reya Mellicker said...

My great therapist used to tell me that you can't worry in the middle of the night because when you're lying there in bed, you are in a passive pose. She said if I wanted to worry I should get up, stand up straight with my shoulders back and my held held high. "Try to worry in that pose," she used to say. It was her way of challenging me, and it worked.

Do you want me to pull some tarot cards for you, get some pictures of the hows and whats that are about to change? Let me know here, on FB or in an email if you do.

Love to you. Sweet dreams tonight.

mouse (aka kimy) said...

whoa, a few things in this post really hit home for me... especially the bit about jobs... I tend to go with the flow and move when I either can't stand the job any longer (e.g. I no longer feel the I'm having fun - now, don't get me wrong, hard jobs with long hours and low pay can bring enormous joy and fun....it's other issues that usually ruin a job)

and hate bouts of insomnia...my bouts are always the same....no problem falling asleep, but if I wake in the middle of the night and the brain kicks in, then well, forget it.... it can be hours before I fall back to sleep - so I will usually break out a book or find something to get off that 'hamster wheel' - love how you put it....

oh my, I hope there is a way to find some joy in your job....but if not maybe the 'cards' will show it is time for a change...just as long as it's you bringing the change and not some axe of fate.

good luck steve... I'll be sending sleepy, flowy-goal vibes your way!

Gary said...

Hope you are sleeping well tonight. But if you can't try taking Reya's advice. (How much do I adore her?)

On the dating front...

It sounds like we need to go out some night and hit the piano bars. Yes?

lettuce said...

oh steve - that anxious brain-active insomnia is awful, i've been experiencing some of that myself lately.

and i can identify with a number of the work-related things here...

i hope you feel easier and clearer soon

Wendy said...

This is my first visit to your blog and I'm really enjoying you musings and your photos. I live in the country, so your city perspective is pretty cool. I think if I lived in the city all I would do all day long is take pictures of windows and long streets.