Remember the yellow snapdragon that re-seeded itself in a crack on our front porch? The one the Russians pulled out just before they moved? Well, I just discovered that we have a second, larger one growing in a crack in the brick wall beneath our front steps. Hurray! It's a sort of "nature's revenge" against the hyper-neatness of the Russians. If it sets seed, I'll collect some of them and try to keep them going next year.
Yesterday was slightly better, emotionally. I'm still prone to fits of spontaneous weeping but they are fewer and farther between. It helped that Dave and I got out of the house and went down to Borough Market for lunch. We didn't even eat at the market itself -- we stopped at a nearby pub -- but just being somewhere else felt better. I spent a lot of time in this flat last week, staying with the dog, and I'm a bit stir-crazy as a result. I just want to get out. Fortunately we have a somewhat busy week coming and we've planned a quick trip for the following week, which will help.
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Our orange dahlia |
I've developed a theory about what happened to Olga. (If you'd rather not investigate the medical aspects of her decline, you can skip the next five paragraphs! I won't be offended!)
You may remember that when we got back from Pevensey Bay, we took her to the vet because of her dizzy spells and her unsteadiness. The vet said she was in good overall health for her age and prescribed a vasodilating drug, Vitofyllin, to increase blood flow to her brain, hopefully improving her energy levels and reducing dizziness. I specifically asked whether this drug had side effects and was told no.
But almost immediately, her health really began to slide. We noticed she would sometimes sort of collapse rather than lie down, and she lost all desire to walk. (The day of that vet visit, we went for a walk along the high street, pretty much the last walk she ever wanted.) Her breathing became more erratic and labored. She mostly just slept. Her appetite, already reduced, basically vanished and when she did manage to eat she sometimes vomited.
I am obviously not a veterinarian, but I think the Vitofyllin, by relaxing her blood vessels, gave her abnormally low blood pressure. Hypotension and vomiting are listed as symptoms of Vitofyllin overdose, and although she was dosed correctly, she was at the low end of the weight range for the size of tablets she was given. That would explain the sudden onset of many of those problems, which Dave and I took to be a sign of further overall decline.
I sort of panicked when I was by myself with her and she could no longer walk and had trouble keeping food down, but if I had it to do over again, I'd have stopped the Vitofyllin and watched for any improvement. (Which, in my opinion, the vet should have suggested when we visited the second time.) She would still have had all the problems that pre-dated the drug -- the masses in or near her lungs, the coughing, the vestibular dizziness, the reduced appetite. But I suspect her sudden decline of the past two weeks may have leveled out, and she may have lived at least a short while longer.
Weirdly, this theory doesn't upset me too much. If anything, it helps me understand what happened. I wish I'd made the call differently, but it all happened so fast and I was by myself and the vet was astonishingly vague about everything.
I'll leave you on a happier note. These are photos I rediscovered a few days ago showing me in 1981, age 14 or so, with our English bulldog Meatball. Check out those groovy shades! (At the time my stepmother was a distributor for Foster Grant, a brand of sunglasses, so we had lots of samples lying around.)
Meatball had evidently just had one of her litters of puppies -- or maybe she was pregnant. As you can see she was definitely lactating!
Anyway, funny pictures -- a blast from the past.
Am I right in thinking self-sown snap-dragons (we called them 'nip noses' when I was little!) always come up yellow?
ReplyDeleteYou have lots of lovely memories of Olga before the end - they are the better ones to remember.
I haven't heard that about snapdragons. My originals were yellow, so I think that's why they re-seeded that color. You're right about my Olga memories!
DeleteMeatball ... a great name for a dog!
ReplyDeleteA busy week should help detract from thinking about any "what ifs".
She was a meatball, too!
DeleteThe plans for the week will definitely help you stop thinking.
ReplyDeleteWith the sunglasses you look like a 1980s cool guy.
I'm sure I thought I looked cool too but I don't think I had those sunglasses very long! I don't even remember them.
DeleteI’m so glad nature sent you another snapdragon, and your theory about Olga sounds thoughtful and grounded
ReplyDeleteI'm glad about the snapdragon, too! I'd really like more of them if I can get seeds.
DeleteNot a vet either. I know more about humans :). This is meds specific to dogs I think. No she wouldnt have leveled out. She might have been better for a few days then worse, then better and so on. At best you would have gotten a few extra weeks. The outcome would have been the same. I'm not impressed with Vets in general, toward the end some just want to do useless albeit expensive diagnostics. I'm still working on my blog, but have a post on grieving if you're interested. Let yourself grieve. They're with us all the time and suddenly they're not.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right -- her condition would simply have continued and then gotten worse. We've had the opposite experience with vets, though. They seem uninterested in doing even basic tests, perhaps in Olga's case because she was so old.
DeleteDoctors and vets do get it wrong at times. We trust ourselves up to a point to know things about our bodies, and we try to trust we understand what might be going on with a pet. I would trust in the comment by Codex. A break away will be a big help, I should think. Meatball looks like a fun dog. You were a nice a looking young man.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am looking forward to getting away from here for a while. I certainly didn't think I was nice-looking when I was young, but I suppose many young people don't.
DeleteYou are probably right about the "Vitofyllin" but like Iggle Piggle in "In The Night Garden", your special girl has sailed away and she can only return in photographs, old blogposts and memories. Ultimately, the simple truth is that she got old.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you're right. She was in her 90s in human years!
DeleteThat makes sense about the medication. Sadly, I have the same experience with my good doctors. Fortunately nothing so far seems to be speeding up my demise. It was clearly Olga’s time although maybe a few days early. She survived so many scares in recent times. Those two photos of you and Meatball (what a great name) are adorable. Who’s that behind those Foster Grants?!? You look kind of Hollywood. And what beautiful hair!
ReplyDeleteYou remember the Foster Grant slogan! I'm so impressed! LOL! I did have a lot of hair when I was a kid. It was the look.
DeleteSteve Reed:
DeleteThe Foster Grant slogan? That’s nothing. Let me know if you’d like me to sing the d-Con aren’t-you-glad-that-you’re-not-a-bug-song! My mind is a font of useless information, even better if it’s put to music.
Arriving late with my condolences - I am so sorry that you have lost Olga. What lovely memories you have shared.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jeanie. She gave me so many wonderful years and experiences.
DeleteI think that changing wouldn't have prolonged her life, but would have prolonged her leaving. Not a great option. But I know you need to analyze the sequence of events. In the end you did right by her.
ReplyDeleteJust what I was thinking...it is so easy to say as if or if only....but she still went when she was ready.
DeleteI think you're right. Delaying would only have meant more discomfort for her.
DeleteIt is natural to grieve for a family member...two legs or four. xx
ReplyDeleteIt is natural, and I know you've been through it too. It's hard, hard, hard.
DeleteYou caught the light on the orange dahlia just perfectly!
ReplyDeleteYes, I got lucky just as the sun was catching it!
DeleteI just returned from my vacation and this is the first post. I'm so sorry to hear the news Steve and you have my sincere condolences.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ed.
DeleteWe all do the What if's in these situations, but they rarely halp. Olga is no longer dizzy and having trouble walking and that's a better memory.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I know she was uncomfortable.
DeleteThe advantage of giving Olga a few more days is that Dave would have been there. But would that have been better for Olga? I don't know - and it's one reason I try not to dwell on what might have been (drove myself nearly mad after my mom died with all the things I could have done differently). BUT like you, I like to know WHY something happened. I'm glad you figured it out.
ReplyDeleteWell, I thought I'd figured it out, but as you'll see in my subsequent post I don't think it was down to the medication after all. I do like to try to understand things but sometimes it's just not possible -- beyond, as YP said, the fact that she was old.
DeleteIt's interesting to have the theory and you may well be right. But we operate with what we know at the time and the path of second guessing right after the moment is a dangerous one -- but always good to hold in the back of the head for future reference if needed. I agree with those who said you might prolong her life a bit but there's always the quality to consider. Always a tough call with one you love. But the resilience of the snap dragon reminds us that life continues, even when conditions are difficult. I'm glad it has emerged -- like a tribute to Olga.
ReplyDeleteYou're right -- you do all you can with the information you've got at the time. I hate second-guessing myself, particularly in a situation where it serves no purpose, but I don't think there's a pet owner alive who hasn't done it.
DeleteYou stood by Olga and always did the very best for her. I totally support your decision making.
ReplyDeleteIt has to be great to have Dave home. Together you'll feel better.
Thank you, Susan. We did do the best we could.
DeleteNow you and Dave have freedom from worry and can please yourselves, so do so, and enjoy life. Happier memories will overcome the recent so sad ones.
ReplyDeleteYes, we're working on making some plans to help us move forward.
DeleteOther comments have expressed it better. You can't change what happened and Olga is not suffering any more. Hope memories of happier times with her will bring you comfort.
ReplyDeleteLove that dahlia - rabbits nibbled all of mine! :o
Ugh! Rabbits! Here it's slugs -- that's why I have to grow all our dahlias in pots!
DeleteI've dealt with pets at the end, and always wondered if I'd made the right call. I do understand how you feel, but I also think there's nothing to be gained by second guessing. She had a long happy life, and probably all she would have had were a few more days in pain and discomfort. Grief is hard. My condolences.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Celie. I think you're right. Nothing we could have done would have returned her to her healthier state.
DeleteYour theory sounds pretty sound and I understand that working that out lightens the load a little bit. I think it's great that you got out a bit and are planning another outing soon. I think that will help a lot.
ReplyDeleteI love the old photos of you and Meatball. I too had an English bulldog when I was that age. What a sweet dog she was. She had the loudest snore. You could hear her snoring from the next room.
There's something very comforting about a snoring dog! I told Dave the other day I used to feel so comforted when I'd wake in the night and hear both him and Olga snoring away. LOL
DeleteHey, look at all the curls!
ReplyDeleteI know! Shocking, isn't it!?
DeleteI did some second-guessing when our first Rottie died of cancer regarding a drug he'd been on. Don't go there; it's pointless.
ReplyDeleteMeatball looks like a character!! I bet you were the coolest kid around with your array of Foster Grants.
You're right -- the second-guessing is pointless. I think it's also inevitable, though. It seems every pet-owner who makes these decisions struggles with second-guessing.
DeleteSomething happened with one of our dogs that was so painful that I can't even blog about it. I have a lot of guilt about it many years later. We can never know completely though; at the end of dogs' (and people's) lives, the body is so fragile and every drug or problem has an effect. I'm glad that you're getting out and keeping busy. That's important!
ReplyDeleteWe had a dog when I was young that, in retrospect, we absolutely mistreated toward the end of its life. My mom just didn't know any better and I was away at college and busy. I have a lot of guilt about that too. We do the best we can with what we know!
DeleteThat is such a great shot of the dahlia. It'll be good to go somewhere.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am looking forward to some traveling!
DeleteA cute boy and Meatball looks like a great dog! You stopped Olga's suffering.
ReplyDeleteYou met me not too many years after those Meatball photos were taken! Hard to believe!
DeleteSecond guessing is something so human. We can't help it. But sometimes I think it only makes us feel as if there was something we should have done that we didn't, or did something we shouldn't have. And in this case there is no way to know. You went along with what the vet recommended. That is sensible.
ReplyDeleteGetting out and about a bit is sensible too. No side effects, usually.
It is human and inevitable after a major decision like this, but you're right -- it's not very useful. I just have to think it all through. It's my nature.
DeleteIt's possible you are right about the vitocyllin, but also possible the vet knew Olga wouldn't last much longer even if it was discontinued, so either way would have the same result. Focus instead on the very peaceful passing and that she is now no longer suffering.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why the vet was so uninterested in further tests or diagnoses. She knew that ultimately, none of it really mattered because Olga was at the end of her time.
DeleteEverything was done for the girl, decisions were accurate, Olga had had her earth time with you and Dave and a good time it was!! You did the right thing and have been pretty lucky ! Also- wheelbarrow there when you needed one! The stars are in your favor and Olga was one happy girl! Three more weeks of laying in the garden would not have made much difference you know. She had to go at the right time. You have been fabulous and caring and smart. Pretty sure she is barking ,somewhere in the cosmos ,with gratitude!
ReplyDeleteYou are right -- a few more weeks of lying around, short of breath and unable to walk steadily, would not have been fair to her. And I still would have struggled with the decision whenever it was made, so it wouldn't have spared me either.
DeleteIt is always easy to second-guess yourself, I know, I am an expert at it. Try not to trouble yourself over your decision, she seemed to be suffering and your choice put an end to it.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jim. I have second-guessed my second-guessing and I think you're right!
DeleteSad to hear of the drug problem(?) with Olga. I don't know what to say except those pictures with Meatball are great. Memories. Right?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I got a kick out of those photos! Whenever I see myself with hair it's so bewildering. LOL
DeleteThat's an interesting speculation about the drug, but as others above have said, you made the kindest decision with the information you had in hand, and as my vet has reminded me at such times, better a week too soon than a day too late. You did well by sweet Olga all the way to the end. More cyber-hugs as you work through your grief. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteLove the undaunted snapdragon!
Chris from Boise
Hi Chris -- thanks for the reassurance. That's what my friend Lindsey said yesterday too -- better a bit too early than waiting too long.
DeleteI am the same - I'd rather understand what happened, both to put my mind at rest and to avoid a similar problem in the future (if there should be a time I'd face it). I feel for you. It's so hard. Life changes in the moment when your pet (or any loved one) passes. That's what struck me when I took each of my cats to be euthanized last fall. I went inside the vet's office with a living being, and left a half hour later with everything changed. Hard to describe but I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say.
ReplyDeleteThat snapdragon is just like the ones I had here, the ones that grew in a crack in the concrete. I still mean to blog about it, if I can find the get-up-and-go to do it. They are hardy little plants.
Yes, it's the finality of the drastic change that is such a shock to the system. From a living being that we love dearly to nothing but a memory. I do need to understand everything as best I can, though -- it's my personality!
Delete