Up All Night

Do you ever have one of those nights when you just don't sleep well? I went to bed at about 10 p.m., as usual, then woke up around midnight and could not get back to sleep. All I could do is lie there and think about that kid who won't return his book, and ongoing changes to my job, and whether the tree trimmers are going to destroy the habitat at the back of the garden. I finally got up and read about 40 pages of "Trust," the novel I'm hacking my way through but not enjoying very much, thinking it would surely put me to sleep. But lo and behold, it began to get more interesting -- about 240 pages in! Go figure.

I finally went back to bed at 3:30 a.m. or so, and I must have fallen asleep but it didn't feel very deep or refreshing. I'm going to be a zombie today.

The job changes aren't that dramatic, I don't think. There's talk of having me work more in the Lower School, where apparently they need more help. I don't mind as long as it's not every day. I enjoy my job at the desk in the main library and people know me there, and I'd rather not lose that continuity or relationship with my regular students. The solution would be to have me go downstairs while the middle school or high school librarian staffs the main desk, but I think they're going to find they don't have a lot of time for that. We'll see.

I used to work with a woman who grimaced at the very thought of working with the littlest kids. She'd groan about how it meant certain contact with snot and vomit and various other bodily functions, because little kids do sometimes explode without warning. I still laugh thinking about her. (She moved to another school about six years ago.) It certainly gives me pause.

I think my boss has the impression that I don't do enough, sitting at the main desk. And it's true I have downtime between "customers" and I sometimes read blogs or the newspaper, but the point is, I'm there. I'm available. And I do get interrupted constantly by people who want books or have questions or can't use the printer or the laminator or wonder where the lost & found is, or have to be told to put their food away. I can rarely get through a single newspaper story without interruption. In other words, it may look like I'm not doing much but in fact I'm doing things all the time.

I'm also combing through our overdue lists and sending e-mails to students, teachers and parents, not to mention sorting and re-shelving and tidying up the room and coordinating displays and doing all kinds of background stuff.

I think my boss also has a fundamental misunderstanding of my personality. She hears me grumble and groan and sigh at my desk, and she thinks I don't like my job. What she doesn't realize is that I have a very dry, grumbly sense of humor, and that's how I make light of my frustrations. I groan because to me, it's funny to groan. It has nothing to do with being unhappy. I grumble all the time. I grumble here on this blog, and I love my blog.

I also wonder if she thinks I'm too hard on the kids. But I was hired to be hard on them -- in fact it was asked of me by the head of school, in my initial interview! I'm supposed to be the behavior police. If she wants me to change my tone or be less strict she should just say so.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make this all about my job. Obviously I'm thinking this through, and thinking about how to make clear to my co-workers that while I'm happy to fill in downstairs, they shouldn't see it as a frequent solution without ramifications.

Dear God. I hate sleepless nights.

(Top photo: The moon from our back garden. Bottom photo: An old and somewhat mysterious event sign in Neasden.)