I told Dave not too long ago that I wasn't seeing many butterflies this year. "Where are all the butterflies?" I kept saying.
Well, they're starting to turn up now. I saw this comma (above) on our buddleia yesterday morning -- the same bush Mrs. Kravitz wanted me to cut down. I also saw red admirals on my recent Thames Path walk, and yesterday...
...I saw this one on another buddleia in our garden.
Last night I talked via FaceTime to my mom and brother. My mom appeared awake, but she wasn't very responsive -- her facial expression never changed, except to blink when my brother passed his hand near her face, and her mouth hung slack. She is on a small dose of morphine to keep her comfortable, and Hospice says they've been having trouble waking her to a "lucid state." But they believe she can hear us, so we told her we loved her and that she's been a good mom, and talked about some memories that she would share and people she knew. I told her I was on my way to see her. Given her dementia I'm not sure how much of this was actually being understood or processed, but you just never know, do you? At least she was hearing the sound of both our voices and we said what we needed to say.
My brother had planned a weekend trip but he's cancelled that now to stay with her. I feel at loose ends here, and yesterday debated moving up my airline reservation and trying to find dog care, but being able to speak to her via FaceTime helped a lot. I always struggle with situations that require me to pivot quickly and change plans. I make a plan and I stick to it. That's just my personality.
So for now, I'm still traveling on Monday.
Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with all the minutiae of life, which seems stupid and pointless but I guess things have to be done. Yesterday I mowed the lawn, still leaving the unmown patch in the middle. I'm going to keep that area unmown for the rest of the season. I've finally figured out a way to make it look intentional -- by giving it sharp, angular borders -- rather than merely unkempt.
I had a handyman come to look at our dripping kitchen faucet. He tried to replace the washer in the handle but found that didn't solve the problem. He said we need a new faucet. Apparently the one we have -- which we had installed about five years ago -- isn't great quality, and for now, it still drips.
This will seem like a really ridiculous problem, but several weeks ago, Dave purchased a roll of kitchen cling film that was hopelessly snarled. It was torn and we could never get a full sheet off the roll because older, torn bits were layered around the outside. Well, I painstakingly removed all the outer debris -- which was hard to do, because it's practically impossible to see the edge of a rogue piece of cling film still on the roll -- and put the rest in a dispenser and now I think the problem is solved.
Honestly, life is absurd, isn't it? My mother is dying on the other side of the ocean and I'm futzing around with cling film. It's obscene. I feel like the worst person in the world.
Last night I watched a bleak movie on Amazon called "The Son," starring Hugh Jackman and Laura Dern. It seemed promising but the script was awkward and the subject matter -- teen depression -- was pretty intense. (I didn't know what it was about when I started it.) The New York Times called the film "leaden," which captures the mood perfectly, and Roger Ebert's web site was similarly unimpressed, calling it "well-intentioned but poorly constructed" with a "superficial and manipulative" screenplay. Ouch!
I'm glad you spoke to your mum and fingers crossed you will speak to her in person on Monday.
ReplyDeleteLove the butterflies and the buddleia.
I would have tossed the cling film and bought a new roll.
Oh, one rather likes Huge Jackman.
ReplyDeleteStop being cheap and admit you shouldn't have bought the cling wrap in £1 shop.
Very pretty butterflies. As they don't soar the heights and there is nothing to eat up here, I miss seeing them.
That cling film would have ended up in the bin, I think. Is it me, or have those rolls gotten worse instead of better over the years. Glad you were able to see your mother and I'm glad you're going Monday. You are obviously a very good son. You can't be there every minute. You're blessed to have the brother you have. My heart is always with you through life with your mother — as well as butterflies, and cling film.
ReplyDeleteZeller also wrote and directed The Father, starring Anthony Hopkins, which I found unsettling and will not watch again although it was better received than The Son. I watched The Son a few weeks ago and couldn't make up my mind about it although I know I will not be watching it again but I did not think it so bad as some of the critics made of it. Good luck with the trip to Florida.
ReplyDeleteRoll on Monday! You will be with her soon.
ReplyDeleteYou have introduced me to another new word - "futzing". I see that it is of Yiddish origin like the other new words I learnt from you. Are you perhaps contemplating converting to Judaism?
Next time in London let’s do a cocktail on soho ….sorry to miss you this time x
ReplyDeleteI think when we're stressed out by major events is exactly when we need to obsess about details like cling film. I'm glad you were able to see your mom on face time. She seems to be going peacefully, a blessing.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough spot to be in, living far away from family in times of need. I go through that with my dad, too. But we do what we can, when we can, how we can.
ReplyDeleteGood that you got to Facetime with her.
You are a good son, and so is your brother. What a blessing you both are for your mom! She would understand that you're doing your best in these difficult circumstances and would be so proud of you. Whether or not you make it to Florida in time doesn't change any of that.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my friend. I'm holding you and your family close in my thoughts.
Fixing the cling film is the perfect task for when you have heavy things on your mind (or maybe that's just me - I love a good little fiddly thing to do when I'm worried).
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got to Facetime with your Mom and brother. Thank goodness we have so many new ways to keep in touch.
ReplyDeleteThe clingfilm therapy was a good choice to calm your mind. I am serious, this is not meant as a funny comment. When we are faced by stuff that is too big to solve or even comprehend, it helps both body and soul to concentrate on some haptic, seemingly mindless task.
ReplyDeleteI understand your worries about timing, I am was in a similar conundrum when my father was going through his final days, but I truly believe that if you think of your mother fondly now that she is drifting off, it is just as important as sitting by her bedside.
Hugs to you and your family.
Your mom heard your voice—she registered your love.
ReplyDeleteYou’re doing good.
But yes, separation at such times may offend our sense of what is right—(“feel obscene “) even though it’s not intentional.
I recognize the cling-film behavior in myself —comforting to create some order amid chaos.
I'm glad you got to FaceTime with your mom. I'm sure she heard your voice. It'll be good to get there on Monday.
ReplyDeleteThe butterflies there are so lovely. I've only seen a few Swallowtails here this summer so far. I'm hoping to see more.
Good that you got to speak to your Mom. Some say hearing is the last thing to go and as you say whether she makes any sense out of what she hears is another question.
ReplyDeleteYou are most definitely not "the worst person in the world". The opposite.
ReplyDeleteAs Sabine above said before me, and what the Angel (my son) often calls the "mundane alongside the existential", you know what I do when things get a bit knotty? I clean. If ever there was displacement. At least it's useful.
Other than that I agree with Moving with Mitchell. The bin. Sometimes one needs to know when to give up. Naturally, I rarely do.
Hope your mother will hold out till your arrival. In the meantime take comfort from the fact that your brother is at her hand.
U
When things are out of control/ out of my hands, it helps me to do small, complete, restorative tasks too. Things that are not too complex but they do engage the mind and take the edge off the nervous energy. No, you are NOT the worst son in the world! But I get what you feel. I feel like the worst daughter in the world when I get frustrated with my mother and become short with her. Different circumstances, but similar (wrong) internalizing of blame. I'm glad you have the peace of having said what you wanted to say, at least, and hope you get one more chance to be with her.
ReplyDeleteYour butterfly bushes have always amazed me as they are hard to grow here. "Here" as in "when I am responsible for them". I may try again as I have a bare spot to fill and I think mine was just in too hot a spot last time.
As with old rolls of sticky tape, cling wrap that has gone all clingy to itself goes in the trash or the recycling bin , let them sort it...It is the minutia of life that keeps us grounded I reckon.
ReplyDeleteI teared up about your conversation with your mom. When my mom eas dying 10 years ago, she was alert but not very lucid. I told her she had been a good mom and she said she could hear that a thousand times as it made her so happy to hear. She was also elderly when she passed but it still hit me so hard which surprised me. Thinking of you and your mom.
ReplyDeleteYikes, that movie sounds like one to avoid, especially with all you have going on.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually pleased to hear that other people have as much trouble with cling film as I do. When I would watch the Great British Baking show, they always whipped of strands of cling film with ease and accuracy unknown to me. I started thinking that maybe the British had better brands than we do.
I'm glad to hear you had some face time with your mother.
Those small trivial actions are exactly what we need to keep us going and remind us that, even among big events, life goes on. The mundane does help us with mindless activities to take our mind off the major stresses.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Steve. Even when death is a blessed escape, it still hurts. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt must be maddening to wait until your flight time on Monday, knowing the condition your mother seems to be in. Hopefully you'll be able to bid her farewell. Again, my sympathy.
ReplyDeleteMindless busywork will help make the time pass. I would have fixed the cling wrap, too. I buy the kind with th slider cutter, so it doesn't often mess up.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can FaceTime again a time or two before you get there. You are a good son.
Final trips, like funerals, are often for the living. I do hope you make it in time. I admire your tenacity with the cling wrap.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to get to your mother before she passes. If not, don't beat yourself up about it. You've told her what you needed to say. and what else is there to do but continue with the mundane tasks of living.
ReplyDeleteYou got to face time with your mom, she heard your voice. Don't be so hard on yourself, passages like a parent's passing are hard, safe travels on Monday.
ReplyDeleteYOu're not the worst person in the world. You are doing what you can, how you can, as best as you can from where you are. You probably know that and are telling yourself that, but it's true. Probably harder now, too, with Dave away and not having the at-home support you would otherwise. So that's our job! I'm glad you were able to talk to and see your mom online and that she was able to hear you. I know it's hard, just know you aren't alone. And you'll be there soon. Tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThe butterflies are beautiful and the cling film -- well, if nothing else, keeps your mind off the other. Take care and safe travels.