Thursday, July 31, 2008


Here’s a bit more about what I mentioned yesterday -- being single.

In a nutshell: I’m all for it!

It’s taken me a long time to realize this, and lots of awkward attempts at relationships. I’ve always expected to meet a partner, and I lived many of my younger years anticipating his arrival -- thinking, I suppose, that's when my life would really begin.

Yet when I met someone and began dating him, I often found myself chafing against the time and effort it demanded. Things felt forced. My friends say that’s simply because I hadn’t met the right person, and maybe that’s true.

But deep down, I suspect that I’m just meant to be on my own. I’ve always been very self-contained. I do things by myself all the time -- traveling, going to movies, exploring the city -- and I enjoy it. My motto is, if you want to do it, do it. Don't wait around for someone to join you.

I’m a social person, and I enjoy hanging out with friends and being involved. It’s not that I’m a loner. But I live a lot of my life in my head, and I find that I am often my own best companion.

So I don't rule out a relationship, but realistically, it seems unlikely. I mean, I'm 41 years old, and I've never had one that's lasted longer than 9 months. My life pattern seems pretty established.

(Photo: Harlem, July 2008)


  1. Never say never because everything could change tomorrow, you know ... still ... as another confirmed bachelorette (after two disastrous marriages, a bout as a lesbian and a whole swack of very unhealthy liaisons), I'm pro-single, too.

    You really are my brother! Bravo!!

  2. As a single person, you have the perfect right to pick and choose when and where to be with people. There's a lot to be said for that.

    You and Reya are so much alike, it's uncanny!

  3. And it's been my experience that JUST when I've come to that same conclusion, and have reached a total, profound peace with the empowerment of solitude, IT HAPPENS.

    Not that "IT" is better than it "not" happening, but there's something invisible-yet-tangible about that kind of solitary peace. It's a completely unpretentious form of confidence that has a unique spirit-flavor about it.

    Point is, without the "IT", life is no less tasty a treat. The quintessential win/win, I say.

  4. being content with what one has - singleness or partnership - is the most important thing!

    although I do agree completely with reya's wisdom/advice of never say never....

  5. single, couple - whatever works when it works, basically.

    I raised my daughter on my own for fourteen years, met Robert when I was almost forty. We are both loners, used to leaving each other tons of space. We both agree no one else might want our relationship, but so what? It works for us, that's all that matters.

    Be well, whatever your choices may be. Life is too short to waste energy on things that refuse to work out - no matter how much we may want them to.

  6. i agree with reya

    nebber say nebber!

    hey i made a video and it's my first would you pls lokk at it? thanx

  7. Hi Steve. I read your blog from time to time, and I hate to play Devil's advocate, but I won't necessarily chime in with your cyber-cronies (who, from what I have read, never seem to disagree with you on anything) :-)

    Being single is totally fine, and if it is working for you, then enough said - you need not change that. You might just have no need for it in your life.

    What I find interesting (and a bit unfortunate) though is your need to relate your singular status with so many other things - being "self contained," being "in your head," being "your own best companion," and being "established."

    I wonder - can't you be all of those things you mentioned AND still be in a relationship at the same time? Those are all very positive attributes to have, and being in a relationship doesn't mean that those things must cease to exist.

    I think what it boils down to is that being in a relationship means that it's no longer just about you or your feelings, nor can it be, and perhaps that is why the single life works better for you.

    Anyway, happy non-hunting :-)

  8. Anon: I think you're partly correct. You CAN be independent and self-contained and be in a relationship. In my experience, however, it's not easy to find a partner who appreciates or understands that.

    It may not seem like it from my solipsistic blog, but if anything, I think I often neglect or subordinate my own feelings in an attempt to make relationships work. That creates a different imbalance that eventually leads to frustration.

    In any case, thanks for the candid comment. :)

  9. if and when a "Right " one comes along, everything just falls into place, all the negotiating flies out the qwindow and everything and everyone that you may have spent a lot of effort on in the past becomes small potatos....thats what i tell my daughter.
    Steve I'm pretty independent, and it took me a long time to "learn "how to be married, and then it was too late, or love goes. that was a long time ago, and theone truth that I wikll try to relate to you is this...

    People are not meant to be alone.

    Lookie here! I changed my name!

  10. Steve,
    Although I have not been leaving comments on too many blogs lately due to a mental state that is not conducive to forming sentences I suppose (you know what is going on), I have been reading. And yesterday as I was hit with scary news about someone I love I thought that if I had remained single I would probably not be suffering in this way. And I thought of you and this post. I really didn't come to any conclusions. See, I probably am not ready to leave comments. I have no idea where that was going.