Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Masochistic Torture Pants

So I went to the Levi’s store opposite Bloomingdales on Sunday and bought two pairs of jeans. One was the traditional blue pair of 501s, and just to be different, I got black 501s too. They’re both the same size -- 32W, 34L -- the size I’ve worn my entire adult life.

The blue pair fit fine. But the black pair are HELL. They’re really slim, so the waist and hips fit and the length is OK, but my thighs feel like they’re being compressed by a blood pressure cuff. I wore them to work yesterday, thinking they’d stretch out a bit, and I was miserable the whole day. I felt like my feet weren’t getting any blood. I kept waiting to pass out.

Needless to say, I’m taking them back.

I was a bit concerned, because I took the tags off (threw them out, in fact) but I do still have my receipt, and on the receipt are these heavenly words: “Any item purchased at Levi’s...can be returned for a full refund for any reason within 60 days of the date of purchase with receipt or proof or purchase.” I’ll test their customer satisfaction policy on my lunch hour today.

I’ve never owned black jeans before. Maybe they’re intentionally cut more narrowly than blue jeans. But these are unwearable.

(And no, my thighs are no bigger than they ever were, thank you very much!)

(Photo: Monstrous street art in SoHo, March 2009)


Barbara said...

A little stretch in jeans is so nice. But I agree the black pair are probably mis-sized. I'm sure they'll take them back. Black jeans are so cool. Maybe you should find a pair that fit.

A play for you to see: Antebellum. It premiered here at Woolly Mammoth. I found myself saying "Steve would love this" as I watched it unfold.

Reya Mellicker said...

Every pair of pants fits differently. I think you'd be so cute in black jeans, as long as they fit!

Take 'em back, oh yeah!!

Anonymous said...

What? No photo of your thighs? :(

And on a completely different topic: Your employer DESTROYED my very favorite news website this week! ( Now I hate you.

dennis said...

Dennis suggests you just grow lots of fur --no need for pants-- it's very freeing.

Betty said...

I too am disappointed that there is no photo, as black jeans are indeed very cool. Good luck with changing them.

dennis - lol

utahDOG! said...

Your thighs are positively Stagnastic!

Be careful with modern Levi's...they are garbage. Depending on which factory in Pakistan or Sri Lanka or wherever they're made, they can be completely different, even if they are the same number, size and color. It makes me nuts...that and the fact that child, developing nation labor hasn't made them any cheaper than when they came from San Fran!

Besides, Only Robert Smith should wear black jeans. Or maybe Johnny Cash when he mows the lawn. I'm pretty sure they don't match your "OP" shirts either...

utahDOG! said...

In your honor, I've started a new blog called "Masochistic Torture Pants".

I'm not sure what I'll put on it, but I'm warped enough to come up with something that will be distrurbing for all of us.

Pretty soon, all the little fixie kids will be sporting 'MTP' stickers on their bastardized Nishikis and Raleighs. Yellow Rat Bastard is so done for!

lettuce said...

i hope your thighs have recovered steve

Merle Sneed said...

It has been my experience that the black Levi's run really small.

Gary said...

I went to Lucky Jeans on Wednesday and bought three pairs of shorts. The cute sales guy wanted me to buy a 31 waist "trust me" but I was having none of it. I would have been making a 'return' trip if I had followed his advice (how cute - you and I are the same waist size, but you are taller).

Have you tried Lucky jeans? I have two pair and they are simply amazing. Great fit, comfortable...I often say they are more comfortable than being naked. And that is saying something, don't you think?