The leaves on our blueberry bush have turned a beautiful array of yellows, oranges and purples. The bush itself grew a lot this year and Dave even collected a small harvest -- enough for maybe one bowl of cereal. Still, not so bad! It won't keep us alive in a post-Brexit food apocalypse, but it makes us feel more self-sufficient.
We were talking during our walk home from work yesterday about Thanksgiving. We're thinking we won't do a big feast this year. It seems kind of silly since it's just us. Dave might make something special but I am 100 percent certain it won't be a turkey. I asked my brother if we could set up a Zoom call with him and my mom, like we did on her birthday in July. I'd love to talk to them again, but Zooming with Mom requires someone at her retirement center to work the computer on her end, so it takes some planning.
I feel guilty that I haven't been more in touch with my mom, but it's hard. She has dementia, as I've said here before, and although she sometimes answers her phone, she can't really talk much. She mostly just laughs at everything. I rarely call her because it's so uncomfortable, and my brother is certain she doesn't remember it even when I do. But at least on a video call we could see each other, which would perhaps help ground the experience for her. It's been more than a year since I was able to visit her. Covid has stolen all of 2020 away from us.
When I was on Hampstead Heath on Sunday I saw this carving way up in a tree -- about 15 feet off the ground, I'd say. Maybe it was lower when it was first carved? Or did HA and/or AM climb into the tree way back in 1960 to memorialize themselves and their couplehood? I previously blogged another carving by the same people. Vandals!
I read a fascinating news story yesterday -- a transgendered man, who was born female, stopped his hormone treatments long enough to begin menstruating again and became pregnant. After giving birth, he's gone back on hormone therapy and now wants to be legally recognized as the baby's father. It's all kind of head-spinning, but anyway, apparently he lost that battle in court. My question is, why do birth certificates need to name fathers and mothers? Can't they just name parents? Do the parents have to be gendered?
Also, Boris Johnson, who is now self-isolating along with several other government officials because of a potential Covid exposure in a meeting last week, described himself as "bursting with antibodies" and "fit as a butcher's dog." That cracked me up. I don't particularly like his politics, but he is a character.
I read a fascinating news story yesterday -- a transgendered man, who was born female, stopped his hormone treatments long enough to begin menstruating again and became pregnant. After giving birth, he's gone back on hormone therapy and now wants to be legally recognized as the baby's father. It's all kind of head-spinning, but anyway, apparently he lost that battle in court. My question is, why do birth certificates need to name fathers and mothers? Can't they just name parents? Do the parents have to be gendered?
Also, Boris Johnson, who is now self-isolating along with several other government officials because of a potential Covid exposure in a meeting last week, described himself as "bursting with antibodies" and "fit as a butcher's dog." That cracked me up. I don't particularly like his politics, but he is a character.
Sorry to hear about your mum. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to face dementia in a parent though have seen some of my friends go through the agony. Having said that, and please forgive me if this sounds terrible (it does and it is), I sometimes wish I could label my parents. Not least my mother by way of mitigating circumstances. Alas, both of them are compos mentis. Which makes some of their bizarre observations painful. Very painful indeed. Because of the geographical distance I haven't seen them in a long while, so we speak on the phone. Correction, we spoke on the phone. Their idea to terminate contact, not mine. Maybe they should have thought of that before I was born. I have been disowned in favour of a rhubarb cake (don't ask), my mother who could give the "Samaritan" a run for his money now in a mega sulk and my father's power games of no interest to me any longer. I swear they'll die just to spite me. Insert smiley.
ReplyDeleteYes, parents have to be gendered. An egg is an egg. Sperm is sperm. Though admittedly there are some animals (snails?) which self impregnate. Neither do they need to register a birth formally. The scenario you describe is (to me) just bullshit. So, this transgender gave birth as a woman (presumably some insemination, from someone, must have been involved - unless it was an immaculate conception). May the Trans do what he likes, main thing I'd recommend: Don't confuse the kid.
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Interestingly, the story gives no details about the source of the sperm that made the baby. I wonder if that person is included on the birth certificate? So many questions.
DeleteOf course it's been hard to watch my mom age, but I'm happy that she is at least in a good frame of mind. She's happy and laughing all the time.
Regarding your reference to birth certificates and gender, my response is simply "No comment" as some of my values are traditional and rooted in historical custom and practice. However, I am very much against beheading and dunking potential witches in village ponds. With regard to the tree carving, you'll have to think of somewhere else to carve "REEDY 4 DAVE" inside a heart.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you knowing that your mum is drifting away without your occasional presence or contact. Thank heavens your brother is close by to play that role.
I think it's interesting to stretch the boundaries of what we consider customary. I don't see that it matters whether the parent is called a mother or a father, from a governmental point of view.
DeleteAnd yes, I am SO thankful that my brother is still nearby. Especially at times like this when I'm unable to be there at all.
I guess you must celebrate Thanksgiving in some manner. As yet no retailer has tried to push Thanksgiving on to us, yet. But they have Halloween and Black Friday.
ReplyDeleteI am not touching the birth certificate matter. I just don't know.
Boris bursting with antibodies? Who says? He does. The Mallee is a dry area in the north of our state and we say, "Fit as a Mallee bull".
Thanksgiving is so inherently American, as we're giving thanks for the safe landing and first harvest of the Pilgrims in North America. I guess it's become a more general expression of thankfulness these days, though.
DeleteSo sorry about what your family is going through with your mother. I think the video calls are more important for you than for her at this point and, like you, I would want to continue those.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's probably true that I get more out of them than she does. It's just so hard to tell what she's absorbing and what she remembers.
DeleteI like your thought about birth certificates. "Parent" is a good solution. So sorry about your family's difficulties communicating with your mother. I hope you are able to work out a solution. 2020 has been an awful year in so many, many ways.
ReplyDeleteIt really has been unbelievable, hasn't it?!
DeleteThe color of your blueberry leaves is fitting for a baby's nursery.
ReplyDeleteYes. 2020 has stolen so much from so many. Parents and grandparents, the one-year old babies who are now two, their entire lives doubled without the presence of people who love them tremendously and whose presence in their lives would make so much difference.
"Bursting with antibodies" and "fit as a butcher's dog" are truly colorful phrases. I, too, will give that to the man.
Thanksgiving. Ah well. As long as I have some stuffing and cranberry sauce, all will be well for me. Even if I didn't have them, all would be well for me. It doesn't require a feast for me to know that I am lucky beyond measure, even in this strange year of plague.
I suppose Thanksgiving is a good opportunity to think about all the things that HAVE gone well this year -- Biden, for example! We need to find some cranberry sauce.
DeleteIt really is so sad that you can't communicate with your mom. I hope that somehow you can set up a zoom call with her. Seeing you might help her remember. Although thinking about that reminds me of the time Roger and I walked into my mom's room in her Memory Care facility. She looked at us and said, "Hi Rog, where's your wife?"
ReplyDeleteI love the birth certificate idea. It's perfect.
It's hard to tell what our mom remembers. She always knows who I am, but because she can't really talk, we can't tell what she absorbs from the present moment and how long it stays with her. (If at all.)
DeleteOh, and that's a funny (if bittersweet) story about your mom. Aging is so strange.
DeleteThat is very sad about your mom. That would be heartbreaking. BJ has an interesting way of expressing himself. Although he isn't my favorite, I would trade him for Trump in a New York minute. Thanksgiving will be quiet around here, but that's OK. I will be thankful when there is an effective vaccine and that's when I'll have my Thanksgiving. I agree with your thoughts on birth certificates.
ReplyDeleteYes, a vaccine would REALLY be something to be thankful for! People often compare Boris and Trump, but I find Boris much more palatable -- he's smarter and funnier and not such a bulldozer.
DeleteSteve be blessed that you still have her. Although you may think she is not there but she really is. My parent were older and I was in my early 40's when my dad passed away. If they were living they would be over 100 years old or more by now. I miss them so much. As long as you can say a few words to her she is blessed and you are very blessed that you can. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky because she DOES remember me and know who I am (so far). We haven't progressed to the point where she's completely out to lunch. But as I said above, it's hard to say what she knows and understands about everything going on around her, and how much she remembers later.
DeleteMy Dad died after having Alzheimer's for quite a few years. Even tho, we could visit him in person in those days, he still did not really communicate and did not know us for quite some time. It was a sad, slow illness but after a while it was harder on us than it was on him. He forgot how he had been and was just calm and quiet and unaware. We were aware of what had been lost and so it was sadder for us. Maybe send her pictures, postcards, happy notes or little fun packages in the mail so she "hears" from you more often. You will brighten her day and you will feel better after making contact.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your Dad. I have mailed Mom a few things -- but she is also weirdly reluctant to open her mail! (I think the staff at her retirement center help her with that, though.)
DeleteI'm sorry you haven't been able to visit with your mom. This year has been really hard. It's been hard to know what to do about visiting my dad & they're scant miles away from me. They keep eating in restaurants and hanging out with people who don't believe in masks. I guess I'm glad they're going to my stepmother's daughter's for Thanksgiving so I don't have to worry about that. Except of course for worrying about them getting COVID.
ReplyDeleteBoy I went down a rabbit hole! I agree about the birth certificate. And I'm actually fascinated by the whole situation!
Re. the birth certificate, I think it's fascinating too! It's an interesting conundrum.
DeleteIn some ways it's got to be even harder when your dad is close by. Then you'd really feel a responsibility to visit.
We're going to do a couple of Cornish game hens this year and a couple of sides. Like you, it's just the two of us. I, too, sometimes get a kick out of Boris but I just wish he'd comb his hair.
ReplyDeleteCornish game hens are a good solution. Wonder if we can get those here? We could probably get capons or grouse or something. Boris DOES have very buoyant hair!
DeleteWe do make a thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings for just the two of us. We buy a turkey breast.
ReplyDeleteAmbitious! We'll see how much energy we have. LOL
DeleteCostco sells great small chickens. We will cook one of those chickens in a cast iron skillet in the grill for Thanksgiving. There will be stuffing and sweet potatoes, but probably no pumpkin pie.
ReplyDeleteMy brother died in his sleep after having Alzheimer's for 10 years. He was unable to speak the last two years. I had a lot of guilt over not going to see him, but it was far, and there was really no point to it. Fortunately for my guilt, I knew his wife went frequently and he wasn't alone. It's such a terrible disease. I am sorry this has befallen your family.
Yeah, that's similar to my mom's situation. She's aware, at least in the moment, and she's in very good humor, but I just don't know what she really understands or remembers. I hate laying all the work on my brother, but he's her legal guardian and he's compensated for it, so there's that.
Deletecovid has stolen 2020...so far. with so many people in this country in denial about it it could easily steal most of next year too. hope you get the zoom thing fixed up for your mom. the whole reason for naming the father on birth certificates (obviously we know who the mother is) is all about inheritance rights. there was a big shift when the male god gained singular dominance, before marriage became all about insuring the man's children inherited the man's wealth instead of some other man's child.
ReplyDeleteSurely those inheritance rules are more equitable these days? It seems anachronistic to insist on genderizing parents on a birth record. Who cares whether you're labeled as mother or father, as long as you have parental rights?
DeleteI agree. just part of the lingering patriarchy.
DeleteFor our Thanksgiving (which, as you may know, precedes yours), I cooked a frozen turkey roll - I was skeptical about how it would taste but it was delicious. (It should have, it was expensive.) I also cooked a couple of turkey thighs because the dark meat is more tender and fits in my husband's soft food diet. I also cooked all the usual vegetable dishes because they fit in my husband's diet also, and it gave me a break from cooking for a few days as we made our way through the leftovers. We will likely do the same for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteThat's an interesting situation with the transgender reversal, birth, and re-reversal, or however it might be described. Wherever there is room to push the envelope, it seems humans are hard-wired to do it.
Good for you for having a real Thanksgiving, as difficult as your year has been! We'll see how ambitious we get. I thought the same thing about the birth story -- it's such an interesting issue!
DeleteYou are so right, 20202 has stolen a lot from us and our relatives.
ReplyDeleteWe are struggling to connect with our father who is in a care home. It's complicated by so many regulations and his stubborn refusals to accept any help.
I have started to just send him bits by mail, postcards, old photographs, newspaper clippings, that sort of stuff, and he does call me back occasionally to talk about it. But I feel we've lost him.