Tuesday, September 24, 2019

The Move to Memory Care


Well, I'm happy to report that Mom's move went much better than I expected yesterday. (This is possibly because I was being dramatic and expecting complete disaster, but still.)

We'd told Mom the day before that I was going to come over and take her to breakfast. So we showed up at her door at 8 a.m., and she seemed surprised and ill-prepared to go out. The movers were going to show up at 8:30, and we didn't want her to be there when they arrived, so I sort of had to hustle her to get dressed and out the door. I blamed my completely realistic and truthful need for morning coffee STAT, and it all worked out fine.

A blog commenter asked yesterday whether Mom knew she was moving to a new unit. It's hard to say. My brother and I had both discussed it with her. In fact, on Sunday afternoon we made clear it was going to happen. But you can never tell with Mom how much she understands and remembers. She said at one point on Sunday, "I'm not moving!" And then two minutes later she was laughing about something completely unrelated, the whole issue apparently lost in the mists of her mind.

The staff at the retirement center had actually advised us not to tell her -- discussing it, they said, would just cause unnecessary stress and it would all be forgotten anyway. But I felt like we needed to at least have the conversation, maybe just for my own sake, to lessen the sense that I was somehow deceiving her.

So who knows.

Anyway, I took her to breakfast, and knowing I was going to have to keep her entertained all day, we ate a leisurely meal. Then I put her in my rental car and we drove out to Castaway Island, a park on the wide, grassy Intracoastal Waterway that we'd visited a couple of times before. I figured this was a good destination because it was a bit of a drive, and the car travel would eat up more time.


Once there, we walked the boardwalk beneath trees studded with buzzing cicadas. We saw a large osprey in a tree, several orange butterflies (fritillaries, I think, but they didn't stop flying long enough for me to identify or photograph them), an egret fishing for shrimp and a distant roseate spoonbill. We watched crabs in the water beneath the dock. We spent a couple of hours there, altogether -- Mom is physically quite healthy so she was up to it -- and then drove to my brother's house.

We spent the afternoon resting there. My brother, meanwhile, was working with the movers to get Mom's furniture to her new unit and to set it up in a reasonable facsimile of her previous apartment. He did so right down to the pictures on the tables and the items on her nightstand.

Finally, I drove her back to the retirement center and told her we were meeting my brother. I led her to her new building. This is the point at which I was most afraid she would grow suspicious and/or alarmed, but she followed me gamely and just rolled with it when we came in the door and staff members began introducing themselves. When she saw her new apartment, she seemed happy with it -- she walked around a few times looking at things, counting the pictures on the walls and making sure everything was there. Then she sat down and tucked into a box of cookies. My brother and I just looked at each other, amazed at how smoothly it all went.

Of course, there may still be rocky patches. She might not fully comprehend what's happened. Or she might really be fine with it. When she lay on the couch and one of her daytime nurses put a blanket over her, she said, "Oh, I love this!" So let's hope that mood continues!

I didn't stay with her last night as I'd planned -- my brother and I went to dinner and by the time we finished it was too late to go back to Mom's. We'll go over today and see how she's doing.

20 comments:

crafty cat corner said...

I often wonder what it must be like to have memory troubles. I suppose if you are happy with it it might even be quite nice to be in fairyland but some people get angry and confused don't they? You and your brother are wonderful to care so much.
I hope she remains happy, you've done your best.
Hugs
Briony
x

Vivian Swift said...

Well done. I can't imagine a less stressful moving day. It seems that when memory goes, the essence of a personality is what takes over and at heart, your mother seems like a kind, happy person. Her deepest self will guide her.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Sensitively dealt with by all involved and the love that you and your brother still feel for your mother underpinned the whole process. Those of us who are younger than her wear metaphorical blinkers about the trials of old age, perhaps saying to ourselves, "That will never happen to me!" We are probably very wrong about that.

Linda said...

Handled with such tenderness and love. You've done all you could. Well done.

The Bug said...

When he's fully present, Mike's dad talks about how he doesn't know how long he'll be able to live at home, but we worry about what it will be like when we finally have to move him to some sort of assisted living. Hopefully it will be like your experience!

Ms. Moon said...

I don't see how it could have gone any better. I'm so glad.

Anonymous said...

You and your brother are such wonderful, loving sons. Memory issues in the elderly are so incredibly challenging. It's really great that you found a good supportive place for your mom to be. It makes life so much easier when you know that she's in good, kind, and loving care.

Sharon said...

Very well done! You two planned this very well and it sounds like it all went very smoothly. I hope you mother continues to find comfort in the extra care she will be getting.

jenny_o said...

You had a great plan and that was probably the biggest key to your success. Great job, Steve and Brother. Fingers crossed that your mom's contentment was a sign of things to come.

I'm taking notes! Prepare, prepare, prepare.

Catalyst said...

The ease with which she accepted the move is rather amazing. Good work, lads.

e said...

Well done! She may be relieved and enjoy the extra attention.

ellen abbott said...

I'm glad to hear that everything went smoothly. I didn't mean to imply that you and your brother hadn't explained things to her. my mother's dementia took a different form.

Sabine said...

Oh well done with so much thought and love. I am sure she knows this somehow.

Comox Valley and beyond said...

Your mom raised two wonderful caring sons, glad that you were there to help with the transition to a new place and how kind that your brother decorated her new home much like the old.

gz said...

A good point Comox Valley..the new home looks like the old. Has anyone mentioned playing the music that she liked as she grew up and raised a family?

Red said...

That's a job well done. It's a difficult situation when they're dealing with someone who can be irrational.

Frances said...

Excellent news that your Mum took it in her stride, and well done you 2 brothers! You can hopefully enjoy the rest of your time ( holiday) there now.

Edna B said...

Well done, Steve. Well done! You boys did a great job of moving Mom with very little stress. I'm sure in her mind, she knows she's been moved. I'm glad it went so well. Enjoy your visit tomorrow. Hugs, Edna B.

Fresca said...

I'm glad the move went well!
Family stuff like this can be The Hardest.

I have a friend whose family successfully pulled off a similar apartment-swap for their parents:
they rapidly re-created the parents' old apt. in assisated living in a new one in Memory Care, while the parents were out. They don't think the parents even noticed.

In time, the parents even went from some resentment of staff in their apartment to saying, "They treat us so wonderfully!"

So here's hoping your mother's acceptance continues...
Well done, you.

37paddington said...

It went so well. Your mother read your good and loving intention for her and rolled with it. Good job brothers Reed!